Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Sweet Temptation
Marty Wereski needs his head examined.
Who is Marty Wereski? He's the music supervisor for "Sweet Temptation" - a 1996 Lifetime movie about a 16-year-old girl who is seduced by her soon-to-be stepfather, but judging by the music selection, you would think it was an episode of "Hannah Montana."
Seriously, every time something awful happened to these characters, this upbeat ditty that belonged in a romantic comedy meet-cute would start up, and my brain would slowly melt.
Backing up, the movie opens with Jesse (Beverly D'Angelo) frantically making baked goods for her dessert business while daughter Jade (Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley fame) runs around a shopping mall parking lot with her friend Horizon (Verizon?) jumping on cars to set off the alarms. Jade returns home, Mom berates her for having bad skin, and orders her to deliver some cookies to her much younger boyfriend Billy's (Rob Estes, or Kyle from "Melrose Place") coffee shop. When Jade arrives, Billy is having a spat with his Mom-jeans-wearing ex-wife about their two rugrats. After ex-wifey leaves, Jade immediately jumps in and starts giving Billy a backrub, and I get skeeved out.
The next 30 minutes are basically a series of creepy scenarios still set to lighthearted, Brady Bunch-esque music. Jade takes a bath with Billy's three-year-old daughter? No problem! Jade jumps into bed with a naked Billy while wearing only a wife beater and leopard underwear? Super! Jade telling Billy that Horizon wants to do him? Fine by me! What's next? A pillow fight, of course! They even get a shout-out to "Melrose Place" in there. Seriously.
Mom Jesse interuppts the almost naked pillow fight just in time, and Jade scampers off. "Come on, rub my back or I'm going to kill you," Billy purrs to Jesse. Sweet nothings.
Jade goes to visit her father, who has since had three children with a woman who believes in reincarnation. Perturbed that her father loves his new kids more than her, Jade heads to a makeout party at Horizon's house, where she encounters a floppy haired guy from her ceramics class who - before being pushed in the pool - tells her that his bunny died of cancer.
[After I wrote that sentence, I had to look up who wrote this tripe and it is the same woman who penned "Riding the Bus with My Sister." Enough said.]
Jade returns home, basically tells her mother she's too old to be dating Billy, and then begs Mom to take her along on her date. They all end up at a Moroccan restaurant, where Jesse and Billy make out on a couch. When Mom flirts with a waiter (played by the guy who played Franco Kelly on "Days of our Lives" back in the day), Billy flips out ("Why do you have to flirt with every scumbag waiter?"), offers Jade some wine, and then drives the whole family home drunk. Awesome.
Cut to Jade at a nearby pre-school ...
As she's walking home, dead bunny ceramics boy (DBCB) pulls up in his red convertible (trouble!) and walks Jade to her door. She invites him in for some tiramisu. He has no idea WTF that is, but it's clear that he hopes it's Italian for underage sex because he soon utters the most LOL moment of the whole movie -- "How about touching me?" he says with a glazed smirk. Jade's not having any of that, but DBCB continues his ill-advised seduction until Mom comes home just in the nick of time.
DBCB gives Jesse a lecherous stare ("You're Jade's mom? Wow") before telling her he's in a band and sauntering out. "He's seems like a nice boy," Mom says to a stunned and rumpled Jade. Jade tells her Mom that she should date him, then.
Jesse then goes into her "I don't know what's wrong with you Jade!!" speech that she does about 15x in the movie, even though Jade really isn't doing anything. If Jesse were my Mom, I'd probably have put some laxatives in her cookie batter by now.
Moving on, Billy comes over with his kids, who for some reason must sleep in Jade's bed. Somehow an argument about how messy Jade's room is turns into a screaming match in which Jade tells Jesse that she should've aborted her. Transitions? Flawless.
Jesse storms out, steals her Mom's delivery truck and heads to Horizon's, with Billy in hot pursuit. Billy tackles Jade on the lawn (with sprinklers going for extra effect), Jade fights it, Billy slaps her, then kisses her. Jade likes it. End scene.
The happy family goes to the beach. Billy drops his kids off at the ex's house on the way home, at which time she tells Billy that she's moving to New York with the kids. Later, Billy tries to get some from Jesse, but she's not in the mood. Billy storms off and finds Jade in the living room, drinking wine. Somehow the convo turns to Billy's abandonment issues, Jade offers to rub his back ("Just barely touch the skin," Billy orders) and before you can say statutory rape, they're going at it on the living room couch.
Nothing says "sorry for boinking your teenage daughter" like banana pancakes in the shape of Mickey Mouse, so Billy whips up a batch for Jesse the next morning -- after telling a distraught Jade that she can't tell anyone about "what happened" last night.
AGAIN with the music as Billy leaves Jade's room and delivers the pancakes, and again when we flash to Jade sobbing in the bath. It's played off like that scene in the "Secret of My Success" where they're all bed hopping in the Hamptons and it's light and funny and comedic, except it's not because he JUST RAPED HER!!
Jade quits the pre-school job, heads to Billy's coffee shop, tells him she loves him, but then Mom shows up. Jade's about to spill the beans, but Billy interuppts. Jade runs off, and Billy demands that Jade marry him in romantic proposal only Lifetime could muster.
Billy: Marry me. My fist is in my stomach; I feel like I'm going to burst!
Jesse: Yes!
Billy: If you change your mind, I'm going to strangle you.
Jesse: You're possessive, you're controlling, you're suspicious, you're jealous, and I love you so much!
Kisses all around. End scene.
Jade's no longer a virgin, so she decides to whore it out and find DBCB. They make out at some club after his gig, but Jade can't quite hold her liquor and throws up in DBCB's car before having an asthma attack ("What are you? Some type of invalid?!" he sputters).
Jade comes home, Billy basically attacks her, calls her a whore, she runs away screaming and AGAIN with the happy music as Jade drifts off into a nightmare-fueled sleep.
Who is going to save her? Daddy of course. Jade interuppts Dad at work (giving golf lessons ...) and announces, "Daddy, I have to live with you. I got de-virginized." Um, ok. She admits to sleeping with an older, married man and after a mini-breakdown, admits to Mom and Dad that Billy was the perpetrator. Naturally Mom doesn't believe her at first ("She's sucked me dry since the day she was born!"), but later she she dumps Billy and throws a wedding cake at him.
The last five minutes are basically useless. Jade is living with Dad, wearing overalls, and acting like a 10-year-old. She and Mom go to the beach and when Jade's Dad comes to pick her up, Mom watches them drive away and then wails to no one in particular, "I'd lay down my life for you. I'D WALK THROUGH FIRE!!!" as - you guessed it - the happy music starts up again.
- Callie Cain ¶ 12:25 AM
Marty Wereski needs his head examined.
Who is Marty Wereski? He's the music supervisor for "Sweet Temptation" - a 1996 Lifetime movie about a 16-year-old girl who is seduced by her soon-to-be stepfather, but judging by the music selection, you would think it was an episode of "Hannah Montana."
Seriously, every time something awful happened to these characters, this upbeat ditty that belonged in a romantic comedy meet-cute would start up, and my brain would slowly melt.
Backing up, the movie opens with Jesse (Beverly D'Angelo) frantically making baked goods for her dessert business while daughter Jade (Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley fame) runs around a shopping mall parking lot with her friend Horizon (Verizon?) jumping on cars to set off the alarms. Jade returns home, Mom berates her for having bad skin, and orders her to deliver some cookies to her much younger boyfriend Billy's (Rob Estes, or Kyle from "Melrose Place") coffee shop. When Jade arrives, Billy is having a spat with his Mom-jeans-wearing ex-wife about their two rugrats. After ex-wifey leaves, Jade immediately jumps in and starts giving Billy a backrub, and I get skeeved out.
The next 30 minutes are basically a series of creepy scenarios still set to lighthearted, Brady Bunch-esque music. Jade takes a bath with Billy's three-year-old daughter? No problem! Jade jumps into bed with a naked Billy while wearing only a wife beater and leopard underwear? Super! Jade telling Billy that Horizon wants to do him? Fine by me! What's next? A pillow fight, of course! They even get a shout-out to "Melrose Place" in there. Seriously.
Mom Jesse interuppts the almost naked pillow fight just in time, and Jade scampers off. "Come on, rub my back or I'm going to kill you," Billy purrs to Jesse. Sweet nothings.
Jade goes to visit her father, who has since had three children with a woman who believes in reincarnation. Perturbed that her father loves his new kids more than her, Jade heads to a makeout party at Horizon's house, where she encounters a floppy haired guy from her ceramics class who - before being pushed in the pool - tells her that his bunny died of cancer.
[After I wrote that sentence, I had to look up who wrote this tripe and it is the same woman who penned "Riding the Bus with My Sister." Enough said.]
Jade returns home, basically tells her mother she's too old to be dating Billy, and then begs Mom to take her along on her date. They all end up at a Moroccan restaurant, where Jesse and Billy make out on a couch. When Mom flirts with a waiter (played by the guy who played Franco Kelly on "Days of our Lives" back in the day), Billy flips out ("Why do you have to flirt with every scumbag waiter?"), offers Jade some wine, and then drives the whole family home drunk. Awesome.
Cut to Jade at a nearby pre-school ...
As she's walking home, dead bunny ceramics boy (DBCB) pulls up in his red convertible (trouble!) and walks Jade to her door. She invites him in for some tiramisu. He has no idea WTF that is, but it's clear that he hopes it's Italian for underage sex because he soon utters the most LOL moment of the whole movie -- "How about touching me?" he says with a glazed smirk. Jade's not having any of that, but DBCB continues his ill-advised seduction until Mom comes home just in the nick of time.
DBCB gives Jesse a lecherous stare ("You're Jade's mom? Wow") before telling her he's in a band and sauntering out. "He's seems like a nice boy," Mom says to a stunned and rumpled Jade. Jade tells her Mom that she should date him, then.
Jesse then goes into her "I don't know what's wrong with you Jade!!" speech that she does about 15x in the movie, even though Jade really isn't doing anything. If Jesse were my Mom, I'd probably have put some laxatives in her cookie batter by now.
Moving on, Billy comes over with his kids, who for some reason must sleep in Jade's bed. Somehow an argument about how messy Jade's room is turns into a screaming match in which Jade tells Jesse that she should've aborted her. Transitions? Flawless.
Jesse storms out, steals her Mom's delivery truck and heads to Horizon's, with Billy in hot pursuit. Billy tackles Jade on the lawn (with sprinklers going for extra effect), Jade fights it, Billy slaps her, then kisses her. Jade likes it. End scene.
The happy family goes to the beach. Billy drops his kids off at the ex's house on the way home, at which time she tells Billy that she's moving to New York with the kids. Later, Billy tries to get some from Jesse, but she's not in the mood. Billy storms off and finds Jade in the living room, drinking wine. Somehow the convo turns to Billy's abandonment issues, Jade offers to rub his back ("Just barely touch the skin," Billy orders) and before you can say statutory rape, they're going at it on the living room couch.
Nothing says "sorry for boinking your teenage daughter" like banana pancakes in the shape of Mickey Mouse, so Billy whips up a batch for Jesse the next morning -- after telling a distraught Jade that she can't tell anyone about "what happened" last night.
AGAIN with the music as Billy leaves Jade's room and delivers the pancakes, and again when we flash to Jade sobbing in the bath. It's played off like that scene in the "Secret of My Success" where they're all bed hopping in the Hamptons and it's light and funny and comedic, except it's not because he JUST RAPED HER!!
Jade quits the pre-school job, heads to Billy's coffee shop, tells him she loves him, but then Mom shows up. Jade's about to spill the beans, but Billy interuppts. Jade runs off, and Billy demands that Jade marry him in romantic proposal only Lifetime could muster.
Billy: Marry me. My fist is in my stomach; I feel like I'm going to burst!
Jesse: Yes!
Billy: If you change your mind, I'm going to strangle you.
Jesse: You're possessive, you're controlling, you're suspicious, you're jealous, and I love you so much!
Kisses all around. End scene.
Jade's no longer a virgin, so she decides to whore it out and find DBCB. They make out at some club after his gig, but Jade can't quite hold her liquor and throws up in DBCB's car before having an asthma attack ("What are you? Some type of invalid?!" he sputters).
Jade comes home, Billy basically attacks her, calls her a whore, she runs away screaming and AGAIN with the happy music as Jade drifts off into a nightmare-fueled sleep.
Who is going to save her? Daddy of course. Jade interuppts Dad at work (giving golf lessons ...) and announces, "Daddy, I have to live with you. I got de-virginized." Um, ok. She admits to sleeping with an older, married man and after a mini-breakdown, admits to Mom and Dad that Billy was the perpetrator. Naturally Mom doesn't believe her at first ("She's sucked me dry since the day she was born!"), but later she she dumps Billy and throws a wedding cake at him.
The last five minutes are basically useless. Jade is living with Dad, wearing overalls, and acting like a 10-year-old. She and Mom go to the beach and when Jade's Dad comes to pick her up, Mom watches them drive away and then wails to no one in particular, "I'd lay down my life for you. I'D WALK THROUGH FIRE!!!" as - you guessed it - the happy music starts up again.
- Callie Cain ¶ 12:25 AM