Lifetime Will Cut a Bitch
Friday, September 12, 2008
  Making Mr. Right

Hallie Galloway is a high-powered, successful career woman; making her way in the Big Apple as a ... features editor?

Yes, Hallie IS Manhattan Line magazine, a name that made me think more of shrimp fisherman than high society but that's neither here nor there. Hallie has a fabulous office with a view, stylish clothes, and two assistants far too reminiscient of Amanda and Mark from Ugly Betty.

Fortunately, the producers of this movie understand that print is dying. During a staff meeting, the magazine's publisher demands that his writers produce snappy copy to drum up sales, and Hallie comes up with the brilliant idea of a charity auction for "confirmed bachelors" -- that is, George Clooney-esque men who just want to noodle around in the bedroom, not the wedding chapel. Hallie is so confident she takes on the challenge to improve circulation by 25 percent with the confirmed bachelor issue.

Naturally, this is a job only Dean Cain can solve.

Hallie and her peroxide blonde assistant head outside (on a set that is clearly not NYC - Toronto?) for coffee, where Dean is sporting an awful fake beard and trying to make a few bucks with a scam involving $1 and some briefcases with fake bottoms. Naturally, Hallie catches on to the scheme and helps her assistant win $101 from Dean, also known as Eddie.

Eddie drowns his sorrows at the local Italian joint, where he and the restaurant's owner Angelo listen to a horse race on which Eddie has convinced his buddy to place a bet. It's just not Eddie's day and the horse loses. God fucking damnit.

Whose fault is this, according to Eddie?

That bitch Hallie.

Blonde assistant happened to tell Eddie that he was talking to THE Hallie Galloway of Manhattan Line magazine, so Eddie makes sure to get nice and tanked, wander on over to the mag's offices and pass out on the couch in the lobby.

Rather than get the nice man a drunk tank, Hallie somehow manages to make a bet with a co-worker in which she BETS HER JOB that she can turn Eddie into one of the confirmed bachelors. Someone even got the phrase "riff raff" in there.

Hallie and her assistants drag Eddie back to Hallie's apartment - which, if it were actually in Manhattan, would probably cost about $15 million. They dump Eddie into the bathtub, where the water magically brings him out of his alcohol-induced coma. Hallie tells Eddie that if he does what she says and becomes a high-class individual who is worthy of the Manhattan Line confirmed bachelor auction, she will help him pay Angelo back the money lost on the horse race.

It's a reverse 'Pretty Woman' when Hallie brings Eddie to the tailor and buys him an expensive watch. Sticky fingers Eddie almost steals another watch, but decides against it. They then move on to the salon, where the stylist shaves off Eddie's Geico caveman beard and transforms him into ... Dean Cain!

He may look like Dean Cain but he talks like Tony Danza, so Hallie pulls out the "My Fair Lady" treatment. She quizzes him on art, sets up a photo shoot on the library steps (where he's dressed in a red blazer that makes him look more like Ron Burgundy than George Clooney) and renames him Edward Penbrooke.

Hallie's boss is impressed by Eddie ... ahem, Edward's photos and tells Hallie to bring him to the country club. To help him with the accent and to banish the "aints" and "youse guys" - Hallie enrolls in an ESL COURSE. As in, English as a second language. As in, really fucking offensive.

Eddie doesn't seem all that concerned and simply tells Hallie that she doesn't know how to have fun. Oh yeah, and he somehow manages to slip in it (well, not quite yet) that Hallie must not get enough sex.

Dinner time! Edward Penbrooke is slurping his soup like a hobo. He does, however, compliment Hallie's cooking. "I had this amazing Jamaican nanny," she responds. Um, right.

Hallie gets some chocolate on her lip, Eddie wipes it away, and despite her disdain for everything he stands for, they almost kiss - but it is not meant to be.

"I'm falling for a guy who two weeks ago was not much more than a park bum," Hallie tells her assistants the next morning.

Hallie and Eddie head to Angelo's, where Angelo doesn't recognize the new and improved Edward Penbrooke and then gives Hallie some song and dance about how he doesn't judge people based on appearance, doesn't really need the money Eddie lostzzzzzzzz.

Shut up Angelo, Hallie still has some gabbing to do with her BFF assistants.

"You talk about him like he's a French poodle - standard, of course," Ugly Betty assistant remarks. Snark!

Hallie takes her new piece to an art show to show off his shaved cheekbones and ESL-style book smarts. Eddie eye fucks some chick and she eats it up, much to Hallie's chagrin.

On to the country club, where Hallie and Eddie run into a guy who is apparently Hallie's ex-husband. Awkward! Turns out he cheated and she ended things. That heart-to-heart is all Hallie and Eddie need to start making out in the woods, where Hallie's co-worker (the one with whom she placed the bet) spots them from afar. They continue to make out and ... do it? Nope, that last part is just a dream sequence. A frustrated Hallie wakes up and finds Eddie making breakfast in the kitchen, where she apologizes for being a prude the night before.

Not getting any ass apparently makes Eddie chatty and he tells Hallie that a) he's going back to school and b) his father was a drunk who smashed his mom's music box in a fit of rage. Hallie's not really sure what to do with that, so she takes Eddie to dinner at Angelo's, where he convinces a crying child to STFU (he'll be a good dad! HINT. HINT.) by teaching her a magic trick. I'm sure at that point Hallie hopes his next magic trick will be hide the salami.

Instead Eddie whips out a music box for Hallie. This time, there are no drunks around to smash it. That seals the deal and the two of them head home and get naked.

Hamptons time! Eddie is charming the ladies on an outdoor patio when Hallie's ex-husband appears and pulls his former wife aside. He wants her back! He kisses her - just as Eddie walks by, natch - but Hallie pushes him away and tells him to eff off. Too bad Eddie didn't see that last part. Hallie goes in search of Eddie, who is now flirting with some party whore. She pulls him aside and calls him on it. He tells her what he saw, she explains, and ... they make up? What? No drama?

Apparently not. They start making out on a wicker chair in a tent (I don't know, either) when Hallie's assistant walks in on them. Eddie leaves to let them talk, but Hallie's co-workers are looking for her, so he heads back to the tent to let her know. At that point, he overhears Hallie's assistant talking about the bet. He bursts in and demands to know what is going on.

Hallie comes clean and Eddie becomes enraged. Um, you're angry about the fact that she bet a co-worker her job that she could turn you into an eligible auction bachelor but NOT annoyed about the fact that she made you take ESL CLASSES and basically extorted you so you could pay back a gambling debt?

Eddie storms out and heads back to Manhattan where he runs into a con-artist friend hungry for some crime. You see, that "confirmed bachelor" auction is being hosted by an expensive jewelry producer, so the wheels start turning.

Days later, Hallie and crew are setting up for the event. She heads to a display with a jewelry company exec, who is holding a briefcase containing millions of dollars worth of jewels. As they're discussing details, Eddie's con-artist friend, disguised as a work man, comes up from behind and switches out the briefcases with one of Eddie's old fake bottom briefcases. Tricky.

Hallie freaks out when she discovers the jewels are gone, but the show must go on. Just when it looks like Eddie won't show up, he comes in through the door. "If I weren't such a bitch, I'd cry," Ugly Betty assistant snarks snarkily.

Eddie is carrying the briefcase and apparently wants to come clean about the heist and return the jewels, but Hallie pushes him on stage and tells him they'll talk later. The sight of Edward Penbrooke in a suit carrying a briefcase is apparently too much for the women to handle and they start clawing at him like the desperate cougars they are. Eddie loses his grip on the briefcase and the jewels come tumbling out. Oopsies.

Publisher not happy. Publisher fires Hallie. Ugly Betty assistants drink.

Eddie is arrested and his story makes headlines all over town. The publisher shows up at Hallie's apartment, where he tells her that a) she can have her job back and a promotion because the Eddie story actually improved circulation by 100 percent, not 25 percent (riiight) and b) the publisher knows a judge who got Eddie out of jail scot free. Fab!

Hallie realizes she was a miserable bitch while at Manhattan Life and turns down the publisher's job re-offer.

Flash to Eddie, who is working at Angelo's. He gets a delivery order and ... I think you know where this is going. He arrives at an abandoned building, where a Central Park horse and carriage shows up and takes him to the park ... and Hallie. (Did they carriage it all the way from Little Italy to Central Park?)

Hallie professes her love, Eddie falls for it and they live happily ever after.

Text on the screen tells us that "Eddie's best-selling autobiography 'False Bottoms' launched the Penbrooke publishing company empire" and that the two of them named their first son Chance. First of all, gag me and second of all, I guess the producers are not actually aware that PRINT IS DEAD. A publishing empire? He should've launched a social networking site for former bums. Next!

Also, I wish it were this "Making Mr. Right" that I watched. "You just made it with my android!"

- Callie Cain

Wednesday, September 3, 2008
  90210 (Redux)

I have a few actual Lifetime movie recaps in the works, but I felt compelled to pen a few words on the new “90210” – which was basically 10 years of Lifetime-esque mayhem.

We start on a picturesque Beverly Hills boulevard and zoom in on a beat up minivan and the Walsh family 2.0.

Dad Harry Wilson (Rob Estes of “Melrose Place” and “Sweet Temptation” fame) is the new principal at West Beverly (RIP, Mrs. Teasley) and he and Mom Debbie (Aunt Becky from “Full House”) are trying to convince daughter Annie and their adopted black son Dixon (sadly, Michael from “The Wire”) that moving from Kansas to 90210 will be awesome.

Though the script apparently calls for it, neither child appears that distraught over the move. They’re very breezy about the whole ordeal, and Harry and Debbie are about as far from Jim and Cindy Walsh as you can get. Debbie has apparently lived in Kansas all her life, but the perfectly coiffed, highlighted locks and tight, red tank top say otherwise.

The Wilsons will be shacking up with sassy, alcoholic grandma Tabitha, played by Jessica Walter. She is basically playing a poorly written version of her Lucille Bluth character from “Arrested Development”. It provides some comic relief (“It’s a Mercedes, not a corn thresher”), but overall, I’m disappointed that she’s sharing scenes with Rob Estes and Lori Loughlin instead of Buster and Liza Minnelli.

The rest of the plot involving Annie, Dixon, and their vapid new Beverly Hills friends is barely worth exploring.

The real tidbits lie in cameos from the ghosts of 90210 past.

Kelly Taylor is back as West Beverly’s guidance counselor. For convenience sake, somewhere between Steve Sanders, Brandon Walsh, and Dylan McKay, Kelly managed to sneak in a tryst with Principal Harry Wilson (perhaps during the pre-Walsh slut phase?), which is alluded to via a badly cropped photo.

The Taylor clan is not done with West Beverly, as Erin, Kelly’s toddler sister from the old days, is now a high school student who insists that people call her Silver. I wondered if that was a shout-out to David Silver, but then I remembered that her Dad is Mel Silver, the dental Don Juan, so she is probably Erin Silver, not Erin Taylor.

She has a blog, dark hair, and an attitude. Deal with it.

Meanwhile, Kelly has a 4 ½ year-old kid. Who’s the baby daddy? Brandon! WTF? Didn’t she end up with Dylan at the end? They’re clearly not together given that Kelly goes on a date with the hipster English teacher Ty, but in a later conversation with Brenda (…), Kelly alludes to the fact that Brandon is in Belize.

Oh yes, Brenda. She breezes in to direct West Beverly’s production of “Spring Awakening” and is annoying as ever. It’s just not the same when she’s not wearing a leather jacket, screaming “But I love him, Dad!” or breaking up in a Porsche to “Losing My Religion.”

I suppose we’ll see more of her, but for now, Kelly is the most interesting option. Apparently, her mother is back to being a basketcase after her husband (Mel again?) cheated on her. Previews for next week’s episode show her and Kelly getting into a tiff.

What else?

Andrea Zuckerman’s daughter Hannah is a West Beverly student and anchors the morning news. “What is she, 30?” Ty says as he flips off the TV, referring to the 30-something original cast. No, you know who’s almost 30? Me. When did this show originally air? When I was in fifth grade. Yikes.

Overall, I might give it another shot to squeeze as much dirt about former cast members as possible, but really, a Lifetime movie focusing only on Kelly, Brenda, Dylan, Brandon, Donna, and Steve would have been much more entertaining.

- Callie Cain

Sunday, August 24, 2008
  Wife, Mother, Murderer: The Marie Hilley Story

Ah, Judith Light how I love you--you wear so many hats from Angela Bower, to the DA on L&O SVU to this gorgeous wife/mother of big hair, big dresses, over the top southern accents, and of course. . .MURDER! I love a movie title that tells you exactly what it's about: Wife, Mother, Murderer. You can watch the whole thing on YouTube. If you're so inclined you can check out the real story on

The first few scenes set up how miserable Marie (Judith Light) is--the movie, based on a true story, is based in Alabama. Her husband, who seems a few shades 'tard, is sick and having trouble eating. Marie convinces him to eat some mushy mac-n-cheese so she can finish the job. Soon enough he's shouting nonsense on the front lawn like a rabid animal. They call an ambulance and we cut to Marie doin herself up for the funeral. You know, the usual, applying make up, slipping into some ugly flats, rubbing powder into her chest seductively. . . Later, she complains about being poor and how she deserves to live in the hills (where the rich people live) and how she was jealous of her daughter and husband's close relationship. She also thinks her daughter is a tomboy and needs to get a boyfriend.

Since dad died, the family's getting harassing phone calls and notes and stuff. Tomboy daughter comes home on her scooter and Marie begs her not to go to her room--of course that means she runs right in, and it looks like someone burned her bed? Marie dramatically swoons (is there any other way) and says "they're trying to kill me!" Cop #1 says woodenly: Who's they?

Then the cops look in Marie's overstuffed closet and wonder where she got the money for these I love the 80s outfits.

Next scene Marie's talking a bunch of southern nonsense. Oh gross! She's screwing her new boss--and old guy in a powder blue suit. After that disturbing post coital scene, we see the daughter in bed covered in smoke. The house is on fire, but she manages to rescue grandma. Hmmm, I wonder who started the fire! Now Marie's talking to creepy guy about her husband's life insurance--apparently she blew thru it quickly, and now she's waiting for some fire insurance. They're in a new house now, and they've unloaded grandma on aunt something or other. The daughter talks about being trapped in their small town and Marie flips out on her--you think you're better than me! Then they go to a field and burn up their car. No really that's the next scene. Then daughter says she's going to the prom so they buy a new car and do driving lessons in a cemetery.

Carol, the daughter, is trying on fugly, frumpy prom dresses, and Marie says she hopes the girl gets some boobs someday and makes her try on some "sexier" dresses. They end up buying the original one. Random money guy randomly sees them getting into their car and judges them for buying it. And now he's closed their accounts and everything's overdrawn. She begs for an extra month--then he asks about the prom dress. Is he gonna be dead next? Who can she kill now? She pulls out some insurance papers and creepily stands over her daughter's bed. And it's prom night! Marie makes her eat some soup before heading out to the prom and her dorky date shows up. Not shockingly she gets violently ill at the prom and sent to the hospital. Marie shows up and flirts with the doctor. It seems Marie used untraceable poison--Marie gets snippy and takes Carol home. She then fixes Carol as nice poison-filled sandwich--just as she likes it!--and Carol dives right in . Sure enough she starts convulsing and puking. Marie claims that the hospital gave her meds and makes the girl's BFF hold her down while she gives her a shot. She only gets sicker--this girl will not die! Finally she's back at the hospital. And oh shit! All their new furniture is getting repoed. Carol's home and she's going blind.

Ward--the money guy and some other guy are blabbing about Marie's bad finances and how she keeps passing bad checks and buying cars and stuff. Back at hospital, Marie's sticking a needle in Carol's arm. She gets pissed at the doctor's cuz they asked if Carol ever tried to commit suicide or ate lead pencils or something. Meanwhile, the cops are figuring things out--her money situation are out of control, lots of weird stuff going on, AND the only bill she's paying is her daughter's life insurance. The cops show up at the hospital and arrest Marie, and then a doctor looks at her fingernails and declares her FULL OF ARSENIC. Despite all this, Carol won't testify. Marie is indicted for bad checks, murder, and attempt to poison (I think she was successful with that one). Somehow she gets bailed out and stowed in a hotel in Birmingham. Seriously, they didn't think this bitch was a flight risk? They find a fake note in the room that makes it look like she was kidnapped. Yeah right, the cop says. Then they run to check on Carol--she's safe and sound with Aunt Freeda.

Marie (now "Robbi") is in Fort Lauderdale lookin for a job and a sugar daddy. No, she actually says that to her interviewer who doesn't bat an eyelash. She takes Marie out to a creepy looking place where rich guys hang out. She finds a scruffy looking guy who supposedly has lots of coin. She flirts with him and makes a big show of crying and claims that he reminds her of her husband who, along with her two kids, was killed in an automobile accident. She seduces him successfuly--he's dead next! They start dating and she tells him she wants snow. He proposes and they move to New Hampshire. Now she's redecorating and spending money and decides to get a job. They have 2 friends over and she makes some awkward small talk about being barefoot and pregnant. Now she's at her friend's workplace filling out forms. When the friend hands her a W-4 form she freaks out a bit. Now she's painting a picture on a saw. She was doing that earlier with her daughter but I thought I was seeing things. But no, it seems she likes to paint saws. Now's she having the sexicles with scruffy husband.

She got the job and sits around bragging about all the money she has from her ex-husband. Red haired friend hates her and makes fun of her behind her back. Then she tells her that something's wrong with her social security number. Now Robbi's wearing an enormous shirt and claims to have gotten fat. Then she tells another friendv(who's more gullible than red) that she has an incurable blood disease. She tells her husband she has to go to Texas for a special treatment and that she wants to go alone. She hugs him with crazy eyes. Off she goes in a tiny plane. Scruffy husband kinda looks like Meathead from All in the Family.

Robbi calls her husband posing as her twin sister Terry who's been taking care of her and tells him Robbi is dead and that she wants to visit. Now this is where the movie moves from over-the-top into surreal and yet it's a true story! Twin Terry shows up with blonde hair and she's all dolled up like Dolly Parton and dumb husband totally falls for it. Maggie--the sarcastic redhead isn't fallin for it and calls the husband stupid. Another friend says she saw a show once on twins and you couldn't tell them apart. She really needed to see a show to know that? Now Terry/Robbi/Marie is putting the moves on scruffy husband. He actually says "it's like Robbie came back to life in you." And they kiss. Seriously, he really fell for this shit? Now he's all smiley and gay. Terry wants to ask a naughty question--she asks if she's as good as Robbie in the sack. He says she's different from anyone he's ever been with. Then she tickles his foot and he giggles.

Maggie's all outraged that she's staying in town so she starts fact-checking Robbi's obit. She calls to Robbi to get her other nonexistent sisters address so she can send a sympathy card. Maggie finds out that everything is made up and calls the police. In a most anticlimactic moment, Marie/Robbi/Terry confesses who she is and that she's on the run from the law for writing bad checks. She's wearing an amazing peach top with rhinestone flowers. Now scruffy husband is confronting her and she's playing the victim that everyone seems to fall for. And he's cool with everything. Super!

And, time for the trial. Carol's testifying! The lawyer asks her lots of leading questions for exposition's sake. Now it's time for closing statements--the defense attorney claims the daughter was suicidal and that mom wouldn't have taken her to the hospital and taken out a larger life insurance policy. Riiiight. Ha, the ADA calls her a murderess. Woo! She's get life plus 20 in the lady prison and the courtroom applauds. Daughter comes to visit--apparently the lady prisoners wear nightgowns all day. Marie's worried about her hair, Carol asks her why she did it? Marie inexplicably says "I couldn't call you; you must know why." Um, I think she was asking about the poisoning thing??? Three years later, she's asking for a three-day furlough. Wait, they grant those for lifers? What the hell? Wow. They're actually letting her out. And there's her idiot husband. Wow again. They hug and get a motel room. Her hair's long and stringy now. Uh oh, rich husband's not so rich anymore! He got laid off and now he has to bring her back to prison on a motorcycle. Random! She says she's hungry and hubby runs out to get some food. He is unbelievably dumb. Marie gives a creepy look to the sound of thunder. She's on the phone when dumbass returns with food. She claims that someone wants to visit her parent's graves with her and she runs away in the rain. Now why didn't she just leave while he was gone? Idiot husband sits in the motel room like an asshat. Finally he wises up and calls the police. Again, after all she's done, the prison didn't think she was a flight risk?

Dumb husband's still acting stupid. The cops talk to Carol who doesn't seem to have aged at all. Now some old woman sees Marie scratching at her door. And she's dead. Apparently she made her way through the woods and back to the shack she was born in. The actual cause of her death and where the hell she was for 3 days was never determined. Dumbass husband lived in that ratty motel until he was murdered in 1989 in a "bizarre robbery attempt." Carol lives on.

Sunday, August 17, 2008
  No One Would Tell

First Winnie Cooper got knocked up and now Kevin Arnold is terrorizing DJ Tanner? It's the perfect Lifetime movie storm.

We begin on a darkened road near a lake. Up drives Bobby (Fred Savage) in his pickup with Stacy (Candace Cameron) and Vince in tow. Stacy is confused as to why they're at the lake, but Bobby convinces her to talk a walk so they can "talk." It becomes clear they once dated, she ended it but Bobby doesn't want to give her up. They argue, Stacey screams, and Bobby returns to Vince and his pick-up truck sans Stacy. What could possibly have happened?

Flash to five months earlier. Stacy and friends are at a high school wrestling match, where star wrestler Bobby is just taking the mat. Stacy denies liking Bobby or wrestling at all. Immediately dating this movie, her friend responds, "Then why are we here? We're missing Ricki Lake!" That same friend informs Stacy that Bobby had a girlfriend but she "moved away" so she's free to go in for the kill. After Bobby wins the match, everyone stands to cheer, her two friends scream "NICE BODY!" at Bobby but then immediately sit down, making it look like Stacy was one who yelled at him. Smooth, ladies.

Back at Stacy's house, she and friend Nicki prepare to go to the local pizzeria to try and stalk Bobby. Stacy considers not going after her mother's asshole boyfriend stands her up, but Nicki and mom convince her to get her and her early 90s outfit out of the damn house.

Sure enough, Bobby and the wrestlers are there...

Ater an awkward exchange about whether or not girls like getting flowers, Bobby gives Stacy a carnation off his table and asks her out.

Well, he actually asks her spot him during his workout after wrestling practice on Monday, but you know, details ...

Her stellar spotting skills earn her an invite to the lake with Bobby's friend. Conveniently, Bobby's friend has a thing for Stacy's friend Nicki so it's all one big happy family. Even though Bobby spends a good chunk of time canoodling fireside with the class whore Carla, he eventually pulls Stacy aside, they have a heart to heart about not having father figures and then make out. Aww.

It soon becomes clear that homeboy had some issues, however, when he gets pissed off when Stacy's friends join them during study hall the following week. "You said we'd be alone," he hisses, before pushing her up against some book shelves. Charming.

Later, he grills Stacy about a photograph of a male friend she has in her locker.

The good times keep coming. At the lake that weekend, Stacy's friends tease her about a poem Bobby had written her. Even though Stacy refuses to read the poem to the girls, Bobby snatches it away and storms off. Stacy tries to catch up to him, but he pushes her down on the rocks. Nice. How does he make it all better? Saying "I love you" of course! It works and they're making out in no time.

They head to Stacy's house, but not before stopping by Bobby's for some clothes. He won't let her come inside, however, and can be heard berating his mother when she asks him a favor. At Stacy's house, he basically tells her not to hang out with her friends when he's not there. "I want you all to myself." Healthy!

Being possessive apparently = getting laid. While shopping for clothes with Nicki the next day, Stacy spills the beans that she gave Bobby her v-card. She has bruises on her back that she blames on the vigorous "activity" with Bobby, but being slammed into bookshelves and rocks probably didn't help either.

At practice the next day, Bobby's teammates tell him how "fine" his girlfriend is looking in a short skirt that day.

Bobby finds her, screams at her for looking like a slut and demands that she put on sweatpants. She does, but he slams her against a wall when she tries to catch up with him later and apologize. "Great, you happy now?" he asks as she lies crumpled on the floor. The wrestling coach sees this, but does nothing after Stacy says everything is fine. "From now on, you save that spirit for the team," coach tells Bobby. Atta boy!

Mom is concerned that Stacy is spending too much time with Bobby, but she's having none of that. The next day, when Stacy opts out of setting up for the homecoming dance because "Bobby thinks it's stupid" her friends gossip about her and Bobby's own cousin tells everyone that his ex-girlfriend transferred to get away from him.

Nicki finds Stacy outside to tell her about the ex, but Stacy brushes it off and tells her that Bobby makes her feel special.

On her way home, Stacy sees Bobby's truck and goes over to say hi but finds his mother inside. Stacy says hello, which enrages Bobby when he returns. He hits her, almost runs her over and drives off.

Once at home he pumps iron like a Real Man.

At home, Stacy screams at her mom for putting up with her boyfriend's shitty behavior. Pot, meet kettle.

After mom leaves, Stacy showers and finds Bobby in her bedroom when she comes out of the bathroom.

Ree!Ree!Ree! He tells her his dad was an alcoholic and that his mom has been hitting the bottle lately too, so please feel sorry for him? Naturally, she does.

At their 50s-themed school dance, everything's going swell until Bobby sees Stacy talking to some guy. He rips her out of the dance and toward his truck.

Nicki and bf tries to stop them, but Stacy bitches her out for being all up in her business. "You don't know what he's been through!"

After Bobby drops her off, Stacy can hear her mom fighting with her boyfriend through the door, so she decides to go to Nicki's instead. Nicki convinces her that Bobby is a piece of shit, and we see a camera angle that suggests Bobby is watching them thru the window. Later, Stacy's mom calls to say that she broke up with her boyfriend. Will Stacy do the same?

Nicki says Stacy needs to get her mind off things so they go to a bowling party. But when Stacy talks too much about Bobby, her supportive friend tells her to get lost.

Carla - that whore from the beach - is on a pay phone with Bobby asking is she can come over. He asks her to put Stacy on the phone instead. Apparently not thinking it weird that Carla was on the phone with Bobby, Stacy accepts the call and agrees to let Bobby pick her up from the bowling alley. Carla pops up as Stacy is getting into the truck with Bobby and Vince and asks if she can follow them and hang out too.

Back at Bobby's, Vince and Carla are looking bored on the couch while Bobby and Stacy fight in the bedroom. Stacy storms out into the backyard and Bobby orders Vince to go calm her down. Bobby tells Carla that if anyone asks, it was just the two of them there tonite. Ok? Carla agrees and Bobby kisses her. Be still my beating heart.

Carla peaces out and Bobby tells Stacy he'll drive her home, but he heads to the lake instead ...

The next morning, Stacy's mom calls Nicki and asks her where Stacy is. She says Bobby called her, said they'd argued and then she stormed out. Nicki has no idea, so she, Bobby and mom drive around looking for Stacy. No dice. Stacy's mom goes to Bobby's house later to pump him for info, but he's got nothing ... until Mom spots Stacy's purse under his bed. Whoops. She threatens him and leaves the house.

At school, Stacy's friends are fanned out in an oddly staged arrangement on the bleachers talking about their probably dead friend and slamming Bobby.

Carla stands up for him, natch. That's what whores do.

Vince is apparently having some issues with the whole thing, though, and calls 911 to tell the cops to "look out by the lake." They come up empty handed, but trace the call back to Vince and grill him at the station.

The pressure gets to Vince, he turns Bobby in and we flashback to that night ... Bobby takes Stacy away from the car, they argue, he stabs her. Bobby returns to the truck with blood on his hands, grabs tape, rope and plastic from the car (he just had that on hand?), ties her up, weights her down and dumps the body, according to Vince.

The story pans out and the cops find Stacy's body. At the trial, Sally Jesse Raphael is the judge!

There's a montage of teary friends testifying about how Bobby is a piece of shit and he gets life without parole. Sally Jesse gives an impassioned speech about domestic violence and having shitty friends who watch but do nothing as a somber looking Kevin Arnold is taken away.

Not exactly like the love between DJ Tanner and Steve ...

- Callie Cain

Tuesday, August 12, 2008
  True Confessions of a Hollywood Starlet

Listen up, Hollywood starlets. Flashing your goods for the paparazzi and stumbling out of the latest club with the celebrity offspring of the moment is officially over. How do I know? Because that type of behavior has become a Lifetime movie starring Valerie Bertinelli and one of your marginally successful pop counterparts.

Actress Morgan Carter (JoJo) has been a bad girl. She and her platinum blonde tresses have been hanging out of the sunroofs of limos, slapping photographs while totally coked out, and generally keeping the kids at TMZ and Access Hollywood in business. Her behavior lands her in a plushy rehab facility, but there's no 12 steps for recovering bitches, so Morgan's Dina Lohan-esque mother and manager Sam ship her off to live with Mom's friend Trudy in Fort Wayne, Indiana until she gets her act together.

"A public school? Are you lit?" Morgan demands.

Unfortunately for Morgan, she has to stay sober to endure non-Louis Vuitton baggage, flying coach, and sheets with no threat counts. Recently divorced Aunt Trudy is happy to see Morgan (tres incognito with brown hair) but Morgan - who will now be referred to as Claudia - has a snippy comment for everything.

For some reason, multi-millionaire Morgan did not bring any of her fancy threads to Indiana, so she and Trudy must hit up the local mall with $500 provided by Morgan's mom to buy some "school clothes" for Morgan, er Claudia.

Morgan/Claudia is miffed when no one recognizes her at the local mall, and further horrified when she must a) eat carbs at the Burger Barn and b) shop at Discount Delights or some crap. She purchases jeans with sewn on flowers and a matching vest (!), combines it with a pink turtleneck (what?) and makes her way to high school. This is Indiana, not 1973, WTF was with that outfit?

Naturally people are less than friendly to her...

There's a very 'Mean Girls' moment in the cafeteria orchestrated by a girl who I find hard to believe would not recognize one of the more notorious Hollywood party girls. Naturally, there is a Cute Boy in her film class.

Later, Morgan/Claudia is irked to learn that her friend/LA partner in crime Marissa (Degrassi's Darcy, upcoming '90210' remake) has landed a major movie deal, and bummed by a Perez Hilton blog post questioning whether or not she is still alive. Can the paps really not find this girl? I mean, they camped out in Georgia for Bennifer and Louisiana for Britney. Let's get real.

Anywho, suspending disbelief for a little longer, Trudy makes M/C take the trash out, where she runs into Cute Boy (aka Eli) -- he's her neighbor! -- climbing off a motorcyle. Hot! She makes some comment about a reality TV show, to which he replies, "I don't watch reality TV; I read." Oh God, self-righteous much?

M/C returns home, where Trudy opens up about having been left by her husband for their dog trainer. Members of her womens' divorce support group (...) arrive and are watching "Extra" when there is a dramatic and slow-mo feature detailing M/C's pre-rehab overdose. Again, the support group women don't seem to notice any resemblance, or pick up on the fact that the segment has prompted M/C to flee from the room in tears.

Aunt Trudy to the rescue. She shows M/C pics of Morgan's mom back in the day; Morgan refers to her father as "the sperm donor" and everyone has a good laugh.

Not for long. Trudy and M/C are in a Best Buy-esque store later when M/C sees the DVD cover of one of her latest movies, and basically has a meltdown when it's not to her liking. Things go from bad to worse when M/C gets a D on a film paper (but scores some tutoring seshes from cute but self-righteous Eli) and gets clobbered with a volleyball by Mean Girls whore. Trudy and M/C drown their sorrows with some baking, and Eli's sister stops by to invite M/C to a sleepover at her house that weekend.

Unfortunately, M/C gets in a fight at the sleepover with some blonde chick who has a thing for Eli. Too bad he likes alcoholic whores, blondie! M/C storms away and calls her mom. A man answers the phone and identifies himself as her mom's husband. Whoopsies, it's her manager Sam. They got hitched and didn't bother to tell M/C. Despite the fact that she's living with a 17-year-old recovering alchie, Trudy stills has plenty of vodka in the cabinet, and M/C drowns her sorrows with a few screwdrivers.

As a result, M/C is feeling like death the next AM when a) Aunt Trudy finds her and rips her a new one and b) Eli shows up with the sleeping bag she'd left at his house after bolting the night before. M/C is about to spill the beans on the whole "I'm famous" thing when she decides against it and instead steals from the plot of a Lifetime movie she'd starred in (how meta) and tells Eli she's on the run from an abusive father. Riiight.

Despite being a well-read pompous ass, Eli falls for it, promises to protect her from her psycho "dad" and then asks her out on a date. Score!

Stealing liquor and getting tanked at Aunt Trudy's house is apparently grounds for a reward and M/C's starlet pal Marissa shows up in Indiana with her big sunglasses, a disdain for carbs, and an atrocious Texas accent she's honing for her next role. Marissa convinces M/C to skip out for a night on the town in Chicago, where Marissa gets trashed and dances on the bar, but M/C sees the error in her ways and remains sober.

She cabs it home (211 miles?) to an irked Aunt Trudy, who tells her to shape up or ship out. Not to worry, M/C has better things to think about -- like having fried soda at the county fair and a dancefloor kiss with Eli. Oooh. Aunt Trudy subsequently has her own walk of shame and the two share a few giggles over what big sluts they are.

Insert a montage of Good Times with Eli and evil looks from Blondie.

I think you all know what's going to happen now. Some photographer snapped a pic of M/C holding Marissa's drink at the Chicago club, blondie recognizes her and tells M/C to leave Eli alone or she's going to blow the whole operation. Blondie's no fool and demands $50K from a tabloid, and soon the paparazzi's finest have descended upon Fort Wayne.

Paps are camped on Trudy's lawn, Extra has the minute-by-minute updates, Eli feels betrayed (and self righteous).

Morgan's (no more Claudia, thank you very much) mom and manager/stepdad show up and tell her that she got the role in the upcoming Steven Soderbergh film. Is it bad that I felt excited at this point and really wanted her to ditch Trudy and hightail it to LA ASAP? Alas, the dumb whore has learned some lessons and actually wants to finish high school. Dumbass - it's more of the same; leave the hicks and go get your Oscar on!

To throw off the paps, Morgan deploys a decoy who boards a plane with mom and manager back to LA. Morgan then throws rocks at Eli's window to get his attention, even though I don't recall her having been banned from their house. Eli comes outside, Morgan gives an impassioned "you're the only people who stood up for me even when no one paid you" speech, but incredibly well-read Eli can't tell if she's acting or being genuine and storms off.

No bother. Morgan decides to stick it out in Fort Wayne - even tho the paps have returned - and wouldn't you know it, as Morgan is about to be crushed by a throng of reporters outside of school, who rides up on his motorcyle to save the day? Eli!! She gets on his motorcycle and they drive off into ... er, the parking lot adjacent to the paparazzi. But you know, romantic or whatever.

- Callie Cain

Sunday, August 10, 2008
  The Babysitter's Seduction

The Babysitter's Seduction is all about Michelle Winston. That's right, me! It starts out with Michelle (Keri Russell) inside a mansion talking to her friend about boys. Then her boyfriend, who looks like an ad for "I Love the 90s" sneaks in and scares the shit out of her. They swim in the pool, she plays dead, then they hang out in the closet. Turns out she's babysitting for a rich family and she's poor! Mr Bartrand, Stephen Collins, looking uber creepy, drives her home. She mentions the only way she'll get to go to college is on an athletic scholarship. Why? Because she's POOR. But she's also a swimmer, which comes in handy later on.

Felicity's, er, Keri Russell's hair is crazy long in this movie. Mr Bartrand goes golfing with his body and they bitch about their wives for a spell. Then it's back to babysitting--Mrs. B models a hot dress, and Mr. B shows her his gift--a car--which she totally hates. Then they all go out for a family dinner, even though Mrs. B wanted a romantic dinner. Michelle takes the kids to another pool and tennis lessons and all kinds of rich kid stuff. Michelle returns home to find. . . Mrs. Bartrand is DEAD. After some poor acting, she calls the police.

Det. Kate Jacobs, Phylicia Rashad, arrives to save the day. Also the police chief who is Mr. B's golf partner. Mr. B arrives home and makes a good show of being upset. Phylicia questions Michelle, who talks about how perfect the Bartrands are. But wait! Turns out Mrs. B was on antidepressants. AND she had a lover. Oh shit!!!

And now it's time for Michelle and Mr. B's first date!

They meet at the country club. He tells her to call him Bill. And then manipulates her into coming back to babysit. And now they're back at his house looking at old pictures. Michelle wishes there was something she could do to help. I bet Bill will think of something. . . And hello creepy, he tells Michelle she can use his wife's new car! Michelle's mom is totally creeped out. Her boyfriend accuses her of being a slut. OMG it has a carphone! 90's boytoy is totally a jerk about it.

Phylicia Rashad, who has a needy dog named Willy--that'll be important later--tells her partner that Sally Bertrand's labwork is on his desk. Then she walks away--he asks if it all checks out, and she says no, that Sally Bertrand didn't kill herself. She had no gun powder residue on her hands. Why was she so casual about it then? Her partner tells Bill about it, and plants the seed that maybe the babysitter did it. Phylicia Rashad goes to see Sally's lover, who lives on a boat, who tells her that Bartrand was a total asshole. She's convinced HE did it--but she left YOU, didn't she Mr. Richards. . .

Mr Richards tries to track down the PI that followed him and Sally. The agency offers to "modem" it over to his computer. Really? What the hell does that mean??? Phylicia aka Kate Jacobs finds Michelle at school and tells her that Sally was MURDERED. Michelle starts falling for Mr. B, but then he brings home a date! And she went to the trouble of putting on her best pair of overalls and making dinner! And now she's back in Sally's closet checking out her sexy dresses. She tries one one and some jewelry and Bartrand walks in on her and it turns out he's totally hot for her. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. They totally make out. But then Bartrand totally sells her out and tells his cop friend that Michelle's psycho.

Sally's lover tries to hack into Bartrand's work computer, but he's unsuccessful. Michelle's now interviewing housekeepers for Bill. Her mom's creeped out but does nothing to stop her. Bill likes Michelle's skirt. Yum. Sally's lover shows up for an interview. Phylicia aka Kate is feeling neglected, and waits for Bartrand at work. He refers to Michelle as hired help. Sally's lover shows up for the housekeeping position so he can hack Bill's home computer. Bill and Phylicia chat about Sally. Phylicia accuses him of murder and he asks her to leave. Meanwhile Michelle's interviewing candidates and letting them call her Mrs. Bartrand. She walks in on Paul Richards (Sally's lovah) hacking the computer. He confesses and tells her Mr. B killed Sally. She doesn't believe him of course and tells Mr. B. He pretends to call the police and makes a big show of it. Then he uses the whole situation to seduce Michelle and convince her to stay over. Then he sees that Paul was successful in getting the PI files. Of course, he didn't go to the police, and Mr. B shows up and puts a gun in his face. He whispers to Paul about how hot the sex with Sally was after he caught her cheating. He makes Paul delete the files, but then they start fighting in a totally Lifetime way. You know, where they roll around on the floor, and crash into things and everything happens really slowly and it's almost like they're having sex. Then the gun goes off and Paul is dead. Mr. B dumps his body in the water.

Then he returns home to have some sexytime with Michelle. He gives her some of his dead wife's jewelry. "This afternoon I realized just how much I love you." He slowly unbuttons her shirt, cuz there's nothing like having sex with a teenager after killing someone. The next morning he watches as Kate chases her dog Willy down the beach. Michelle shows her BFF the jewelry Bill gave her and tries to pretend like she's not boning him. BFF tells her she's creepy. They argue in the bathroom, which is inexplicably covered in kid's painted handprints.

Frank the cop stops by the country club to chat with Michelle. Tracy totally sold her out and told him that she's in love with Bill. Frank tries to scare her into confessing. Michelle's mom asks her about the jewelry she's wearing and insists on returning it. Is he gonna kill her next? This is their first time meeting, nice. After all this, she's never met the guy that Michelle babysits for? And whose wife was just killed? Gross! Bill and Michelle are spooning. Naked! He tells her he wants to clean out his wife's closet. Next morning she tries on Sally's ugly sweater and gets rid of her clothes. Frank happens to drive by as she's loading up the car and says: "I like your sweater, Michelle. I liked it on Sally too." Bill says he wants to whisk Michelle away for weekend. Alone. SO HE CAN KILL HER! But then he tells Frank that she cleaned out Sally's closet without asking. Frank tells him, she's cute as a button, but she's not playing with a full deck.

Phylicia/Kate tells her that Frank thinks she killed Sally. Michelle's all whaaa?? Then Kate tells her "Frank isn't trying to frame you, Bartrand is." And she intuits that Michelle's banging Bill. Then she chats with Bill outside the police station and catches him in a lie about his car phone. Bartrand calls Michelle while sitting in his car holding a broken lightbulb. Michelle tells him she's grounded and can't hang out. Then he rigs Kate's house to explode when she turns on the light--involving that lightbulb and her gas stove. Thankfully Willy, her do, saves her life! He got out while Bill was messing with her house, so she doesn't get hit by the explosion.

Michelle goes to see her BFF and finally realizes something might not be right. (Her mom left town without telling her, nice.) Michelle's boyfriend shows up to pick up BFF for the dance. Then Michelle heads over to Bill's house to find evidence? Seriously, let the police handle this. She searches Bill's computer, but he comes up behind her and helps her find the "cheater's file." Then he confesses to killing Sally, and pulls Michelle's panties off and uses them to tie her up. Then he laments about how's he going to find a replacement sitter for the kids. He shoves her into the dumbwaiter. He then selects just the right knife and starts talking to himself like the psycho he is and compares Michelle to Amy Fisher. He starts jacking up the house to make it look like a struggle, while Michelle tries to escape. He calls Frank, who's on his way with backup. HOW WILL THIS THING END?

Bill finds Michelle, where else? In Sally's closet. She hits him with a hanger and runs. She's locked in! Then she hides again but a creepy doll gives her away. You know those porcelain things that look like killer clowns and say Ma-Ma like robots? Hey, remember how Michelle's a swimmer? She dives off the freakin roof of the house and plays dead. Bill grabs her by her curls, and they start kicking the shit out of each other. The knife's falls to the bottom of the pool as annoying drum beats sound. Seriously, why is it taking Frank so long to get there. And Michelle's dead. Or is she. . . Frank and the gang finally arrive and Michelle sinks to the bottom of the pool. But then, Fatal Attraction style, Michelle rises up and sinks a knife in Bill's back. Frank asks Bill if he wants to tell him a story. I love your stories. Phylicia/Kate helps Michelle out of the pool. But wait, Michelle's not done. She rips off the diamond necklace and it lands perfectly next to the bloody knife. The movie ends with Bill yelling FRANK! FRANK! Sorry Bill, Frank don't love you any more.

Thursday, August 7, 2008
  The Perfect Bride
Here's the setup: creepy bride, oblivious groom, overprotective sister, and horrific acting! The Perfect Bride starts with a bang--creepy bride (Stephanie) tries on a super fugly wedding gown while her intended leers at her with his porn stache. She sits next to him on the bed and confronts him about seeing his old girlfriend using a hideously bad British accent. I'm thinking it's a dream sequence especially because there's a redonkulously creepy music box--but they're saving that for later. Anyway, bride gets pissed and stabs her boyfriend with a needle. He immediately dies and she washes her hair with a sinister smile.

Then she's got new blonde hair and she's at a stilted wedding shower with a buncha old ladies as well as her new fiance's creepily overprotective sister (Laura played by Kelly Preston--Mrs. John Travolta!). I know she's supposed to be the one who senses the creepiness first, but she's a little ahead of herself.

And she evens missed this bit: Stephanie has a creepy flashback involving that creepy music box, where's she's a little girl with a terrible British accent (so that's supposed to be REAL? Why make her British if she sucks so bad at accents?) Anyway, it turns out Allison Mack (Chloe on Smallville) plays the young version of Stephanie. And wow, the adult Stephanie is played by someone named Sammi Davis. I swear. And get this: she's from ENGLAND. ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME? I guess it's like someone from California trying to do a New York accent or something. Egads. OMG It gets better. She was nominated for a GOLDEN GLOBE. Smelling salts please?

OMG--Stephanie CRIMPED her hair--It's so 1991, I don't even need to look it up.

Bride, groom and sis go to a gym to play tennis and the floozy at the front desk totally flirts with groom. She's SO dying in the first act. Bride calls her slut and goes on a rampage while trying on her wedding dress.

Backstory: Sis and bro had another sister--Katherine who died and it was kinda sis's fault. Awkward! Oh, and dad has Alzheimer's.

How's this for contrived? The caterer just moved to wherever they are from San Diego and was hired to cater creepy bride's last wedding! She's all "you look familiar, do I know you?" And Steph is TOTALLY FREAKING OUT. She leaves the room, but overhears caterer telling mom-in-law and Laura that the groom died the night before the wedding of some heart condition. Stephanie almost LOSES HER MIND. The bodies are gonna start piling up soon. Right? Please???

The acting is so bad that if feels like they just filmed the table reading. And the music is pure vintage Lifetime crap that tells you exactly what to feel. Scary violins! Laura starts snooping and groom (his name is Ted) gets pissed. Blah blah blah.

Oooh, crazy nurse Stephanie is gonna kill the caterer. That won't be suspicious at all! Wow, the old layd puts up quite a fight! She's wearing the most amazing old lady sweat suit--they're like totally strangling each other and reaching for the same knife. Here's comes the money shot the music is getting really sinister. . . And she pushes the old lady down the stairs in a totally slo-mo I've fallen and I can't get up manner. Then she leans in for the kill and steals the old lady's necklace. Nice.

Full moon. Ooooh. Family's eating dinner, murderer's late. All in a day's work! She went to place called Final Cut to get her hair cut--or pretended she did. Laura totally busts her though since she knows all the hairdressers there. To get out of it, she says she was shopping all day for a surprise--mmmm, I bet's it's the necklace! Perfect. Sidenote: unsurprisingly Steph and Ted have no chemistry.

Laura's looking at old newspapers in a microfiche machine and finds the story about groom #1's death.

Steph and Ted meet with the reverend for a counseling session and he asks them to share something new with each other. Steph has another flashback to her younger self finding something scary. She flips out and yells at Ted, but then they make up somehow. The priest asks to see Ted separately, but Steph overhears. I think he's next!

Meanwhile, Laura's trying to track down groom #1's family. . . She tries to talk to her mom, but NO ONE WILL LISTEN TO HER.

Steph tracks down the reverend and he confesses he's not sure they're right for each other. Uh oh, here comes the needle. No one's gonna get suspicious that all the people she meets are dying, right? Ha! The rev falls to the ground in the most comical way possible. Laura stops by and finds the body while Steph hides in the closet smiling. At home, the family plays Monopoly, and Laura announces that the Rev is DEAD! Steph tries not to laugh. For reals. She's wearing a gawdy floral blouse that's tacky even for 1991.

Laura finally tracks down groom #1's father and he mentions the name Darlene something or other. But not before Steph barges in--oh wait, it's just alzheimer's grandpa. I guess dad is that other gray-haired guy. Anyway, Laura calls Darlene and finds out she was once engaged to the dead guy. Oops--dipsy grandpa just totally screwed Laura over and told Steph she was talking to Darlene. Steph listens in on the line. Laura asks Darlene to fly over and identify Steph so they can totally bust her. That should totally work out fine.

Steph sees Ted off to his bachelor party in skin tight, high waisted mustard colored pants. Darlene waits at the airport, but guess who shows up? Ahahahahahah! Steph shows up with a wig, glasses, and a not half bad American accent. They almost get into an accident and Steph shouts BLOODY HELL in cockeyed cockney. Darlene gets out of the car and his hit by a car--the news says she's unconscious. I hope she gets a good nurse!

Meanwhile, at the Bachelor party, the guys are at some club with women dancing on mats in one-piece bathing suits. Bill Cosby sweaters and mullets abound. Laura barges in with evidence about two dead grooms who were engaged to nurses. Ted throws sis Katherine's death in her face and tells her to go home.

Hospital--Darlene's on life support and nurse Steph arrives with a needle just in time to finish her off. Oh wait, that's a nurse who looks just like her to fake us out! After some annoying sinister music and weird lighting effects, the real Steph cuts off her breathing and Darlene's opens her eyes and fights back. Of course, no one walks in or anything even when the machines start bleeping. And the violins are so loud!

Back at the bachelor party, Ted and the guys are barefoot for some reason, and out comes a stripper straight out of mardi gras hell. She gives Ted a big kiss then takes off her mask. It's the floozy from the gym. SHE IS SO DEAD! Ok, I guess there's wresting involved at this strip joint? But not mud wrestling. Ted and floozy wrestle just in time for Steph to arrive and freak out EVEN THOUGH SHE JUST KILLED SOMEONE DEAD WITHOUT EVEN BLINKING.

And this movie's not even close to over yet. Maybe Steph will kill the whole cast AND herself. One can hope. I guess we have to find out what the deal with Allison Mack is. Steph goes into her bedroom to find senile gramps creepily waiting there. Turns out he just doesn't know where he is. She kills him. Nah, maybe she doesn't.

Laura has a nightmare and finds Steph lurking around. Steph's all pissed about the bachelor party, but he's still alive. Then he totally lies and tells her there were no chicks there. Heads are gonna roll! Laura goes to the airport to check on Darlene but the computer's are conveniently down. Then she sees a newspaper headline about Darlene and runs! And now she's missing the rehearsal. Her family really hates her now. And they're totally not suspicious or weirded out that Stephanie has no family and no friends. At all. There's an awful lot of people at the rehearsal dinner tho. Laura's at the morgue identifying Darlene's body. Laura finds a photo album in her coat with a picture of Stephanie aka Susan with the dead fiance. Meanwhile Steph gets prepped to kill groom #3! Laura calls the catering hall, but of course doddering grandpa comes to the phone and is totally useless. Ted heads home to get some Steph tail.

Best line of the movie "Listen you dumb sonofabitch, Stephanie is murdering people!

Ok, half hour to go, Steph's got her godawful wedding gown on and the music box is playing. Music boxes of course will always be associated with Flowers inthe Attic that lovely incest movie. Allison Mack goes into the bathroom to find her mother in the bathroom in her wedding dress. She's bleeding but it's not clear from where or what. She tells Steph never to let a man hurt her--well that explains everything!

Of course, Laura gets stalled by a contrivance and races against time to save her brother. Prolly cuz she wants to bone him. Save the for the sequel! And now, back at the house, Steph is re-enacting the first scene of the movie. Laura arrives just in time. I NEVER saw this coming! Confrontation. Laura loses her shit, and Steph offers a mild sedative. Nice touch. In the struggle the music box breaks. Oh shit. Steph turns her rage on Ted cuz he crashed into it. Now it's time for her to go crazy--she calls him the wrong name and grabs a knife and stabs him. Spaghetti sauces seeps thru his shirt. The chicks go at it, and Steph gets away. Laura goes from room to room and takes the time to shut off the lights as she goes. Way to go green! Way to not like, call 911. Shit, Steph's back and I actually jumped. She tries to kick Laura up the stairs. Now we're in the attic. Now it's time for Steph's monologue on how men have fucked up her life. Laura nails her in the head witha baseball bat and Steph falls down the stairs and lands face up with her eyes open looking, I admit, absolutely terrifying. Demented music plays, and the credits roll.

Side note, there's an infomercial on right after for something call magicJack that PC Magazine apparently gave an Editors' Choice. Holla!

Lifetime movies. Admit it, you love them. You don't want to just watch them, you want to read about them. That's where we come in, but we don't have them all, so drop us an e-mail at and let us know your favorites.