Tuesday, August 12, 2008
True Confessions of a Hollywood Starlet
Listen up, Hollywood starlets. Flashing your goods for the paparazzi and stumbling out of the latest club with the celebrity offspring of the moment is officially over. How do I know? Because that type of behavior has become a Lifetime movie starring Valerie Bertinelli and one of your marginally successful pop counterparts.
Actress Morgan Carter (JoJo) has been a bad girl. She and her platinum blonde tresses have been hanging out of the sunroofs of limos, slapping photographs while totally coked out, and generally keeping the kids at TMZ and Access Hollywood in business. Her behavior lands her in a plushy rehab facility, but there's no 12 steps for recovering bitches, so Morgan's Dina Lohan-esque mother and manager Sam ship her off to live with Mom's friend Trudy in Fort Wayne, Indiana until she gets her act together.
"A public school? Are you lit?" Morgan demands.
Unfortunately for Morgan, she has to stay sober to endure non-Louis Vuitton baggage, flying coach, and sheets with no threat counts. Recently divorced Aunt Trudy is happy to see Morgan (tres incognito with brown hair) but Morgan - who will now be referred to as Claudia - has a snippy comment for everything.
For some reason, multi-millionaire Morgan did not bring any of her fancy threads to Indiana, so she and Trudy must hit up the local mall with $500 provided by Morgan's mom to buy some "school clothes" for Morgan, er Claudia.
Morgan/Claudia is miffed when no one recognizes her at the local mall, and further horrified when she must a) eat carbs at the Burger Barn and b) shop at Discount Delights or some crap. She purchases jeans with sewn on flowers and a matching vest (!), combines it with a pink turtleneck (what?) and makes her way to high school. This is Indiana, not 1973, WTF was with that outfit?
Naturally people are less than friendly to her...
There's a very 'Mean Girls' moment in the cafeteria orchestrated by a girl who I find hard to believe would not recognize one of the more notorious Hollywood party girls. Naturally, there is a Cute Boy in her film class.
Later, Morgan/Claudia is irked to learn that her friend/LA partner in crime Marissa (Degrassi's Darcy, upcoming '90210' remake) has landed a major movie deal, and bummed by a Perez Hilton blog post questioning whether or not she is still alive. Can the paps really not find this girl? I mean, they camped out in Georgia for Bennifer and Louisiana for Britney. Let's get real.
Anywho, suspending disbelief for a little longer, Trudy makes M/C take the trash out, where she runs into Cute Boy (aka Eli) -- he's her neighbor! -- climbing off a motorcyle. Hot! She makes some comment about a reality TV show, to which he replies, "I don't watch reality TV; I read." Oh God, self-righteous much?
M/C returns home, where Trudy opens up about having been left by her husband for their dog trainer. Members of her womens' divorce support group (...) arrive and are watching "Extra" when there is a dramatic and slow-mo feature detailing M/C's pre-rehab overdose. Again, the support group women don't seem to notice any resemblance, or pick up on the fact that the segment has prompted M/C to flee from the room in tears.
Aunt Trudy to the rescue. She shows M/C pics of Morgan's mom back in the day; Morgan refers to her father as "the sperm donor" and everyone has a good laugh.
Not for long. Trudy and M/C are in a Best Buy-esque store later when M/C sees the DVD cover of one of her latest movies, and basically has a meltdown when it's not to her liking. Things go from bad to worse when M/C gets a D on a film paper (but scores some tutoring seshes from cute but self-righteous Eli) and gets clobbered with a volleyball by Mean Girls whore. Trudy and M/C drown their sorrows with some baking, and Eli's sister stops by to invite M/C to a sleepover at her house that weekend.
Unfortunately, M/C gets in a fight at the sleepover with some blonde chick who has a thing for Eli. Too bad he likes alcoholic whores, blondie! M/C storms away and calls her mom. A man answers the phone and identifies himself as her mom's husband. Whoopsies, it's her manager Sam. They got hitched and didn't bother to tell M/C. Despite the fact that she's living with a 17-year-old recovering alchie, Trudy stills has plenty of vodka in the cabinet, and M/C drowns her sorrows with a few screwdrivers.
As a result, M/C is feeling like death the next AM when a) Aunt Trudy finds her and rips her a new one and b) Eli shows up with the sleeping bag she'd left at his house after bolting the night before. M/C is about to spill the beans on the whole "I'm famous" thing when she decides against it and instead steals from the plot of a Lifetime movie she'd starred in (how meta) and tells Eli she's on the run from an abusive father. Riiight.
Despite being a well-read pompous ass, Eli falls for it, promises to protect her from her psycho "dad" and then asks her out on a date. Score!
Stealing liquor and getting tanked at Aunt Trudy's house is apparently grounds for a reward and M/C's starlet pal Marissa shows up in Indiana with her big sunglasses, a disdain for carbs, and an atrocious Texas accent she's honing for her next role. Marissa convinces M/C to skip out for a night on the town in Chicago, where Marissa gets trashed and dances on the bar, but M/C sees the error in her ways and remains sober.
She cabs it home (211 miles?) to an irked Aunt Trudy, who tells her to shape up or ship out. Not to worry, M/C has better things to think about -- like having fried soda at the county fair and a dancefloor kiss with Eli. Oooh. Aunt Trudy subsequently has her own walk of shame and the two share a few giggles over what big sluts they are.
Insert a montage of Good Times with Eli and evil looks from Blondie.
I think you all know what's going to happen now. Some photographer snapped a pic of M/C holding Marissa's drink at the Chicago club, blondie recognizes her and tells M/C to leave Eli alone or she's going to blow the whole operation. Blondie's no fool and demands $50K from a tabloid, and soon the paparazzi's finest have descended upon Fort Wayne.
Paps are camped on Trudy's lawn, Extra has the minute-by-minute updates, Eli feels betrayed (and self righteous).
Morgan's (no more Claudia, thank you very much) mom and manager/stepdad show up and tell her that she got the role in the upcoming Steven Soderbergh film. Is it bad that I felt excited at this point and really wanted her to ditch Trudy and hightail it to LA ASAP? Alas, the dumb whore has learned some lessons and actually wants to finish high school. Dumbass - it's more of the same; leave the hicks and go get your Oscar on!
To throw off the paps, Morgan deploys a decoy who boards a plane with mom and manager back to LA. Morgan then throws rocks at Eli's window to get his attention, even though I don't recall her having been banned from their house. Eli comes outside, Morgan gives an impassioned "you're the only people who stood up for me even when no one paid you" speech, but incredibly well-read Eli can't tell if she's acting or being genuine and storms off.
No bother. Morgan decides to stick it out in Fort Wayne - even tho the paps have returned - and wouldn't you know it, as Morgan is about to be crushed by a throng of reporters outside of school, who rides up on his motorcyle to save the day? Eli!! She gets on his motorcycle and they drive off into ... er, the parking lot adjacent to the paparazzi. But you know, romantic or whatever.
- Callie Cain ¶ 12:01 AM
Listen up, Hollywood starlets. Flashing your goods for the paparazzi and stumbling out of the latest club with the celebrity offspring of the moment is officially over. How do I know? Because that type of behavior has become a Lifetime movie starring Valerie Bertinelli and one of your marginally successful pop counterparts.
Actress Morgan Carter (JoJo) has been a bad girl. She and her platinum blonde tresses have been hanging out of the sunroofs of limos, slapping photographs while totally coked out, and generally keeping the kids at TMZ and Access Hollywood in business. Her behavior lands her in a plushy rehab facility, but there's no 12 steps for recovering bitches, so Morgan's Dina Lohan-esque mother and manager Sam ship her off to live with Mom's friend Trudy in Fort Wayne, Indiana until she gets her act together.
"A public school? Are you lit?" Morgan demands.
Unfortunately for Morgan, she has to stay sober to endure non-Louis Vuitton baggage, flying coach, and sheets with no threat counts. Recently divorced Aunt Trudy is happy to see Morgan (tres incognito with brown hair) but Morgan - who will now be referred to as Claudia - has a snippy comment for everything.
For some reason, multi-millionaire Morgan did not bring any of her fancy threads to Indiana, so she and Trudy must hit up the local mall with $500 provided by Morgan's mom to buy some "school clothes" for Morgan, er Claudia.
Morgan/Claudia is miffed when no one recognizes her at the local mall, and further horrified when she must a) eat carbs at the Burger Barn and b) shop at Discount Delights or some crap. She purchases jeans with sewn on flowers and a matching vest (!), combines it with a pink turtleneck (what?) and makes her way to high school. This is Indiana, not 1973, WTF was with that outfit?
Naturally people are less than friendly to her...
There's a very 'Mean Girls' moment in the cafeteria orchestrated by a girl who I find hard to believe would not recognize one of the more notorious Hollywood party girls. Naturally, there is a Cute Boy in her film class.
Later, Morgan/Claudia is irked to learn that her friend/LA partner in crime Marissa (Degrassi's Darcy, upcoming '90210' remake) has landed a major movie deal, and bummed by a Perez Hilton blog post questioning whether or not she is still alive. Can the paps really not find this girl? I mean, they camped out in Georgia for Bennifer and Louisiana for Britney. Let's get real.
Anywho, suspending disbelief for a little longer, Trudy makes M/C take the trash out, where she runs into Cute Boy (aka Eli) -- he's her neighbor! -- climbing off a motorcyle. Hot! She makes some comment about a reality TV show, to which he replies, "I don't watch reality TV; I read." Oh God, self-righteous much?
M/C returns home, where Trudy opens up about having been left by her husband for their dog trainer. Members of her womens' divorce support group (...) arrive and are watching "Extra" when there is a dramatic and slow-mo feature detailing M/C's pre-rehab overdose. Again, the support group women don't seem to notice any resemblance, or pick up on the fact that the segment has prompted M/C to flee from the room in tears.
Aunt Trudy to the rescue. She shows M/C pics of Morgan's mom back in the day; Morgan refers to her father as "the sperm donor" and everyone has a good laugh.
Not for long. Trudy and M/C are in a Best Buy-esque store later when M/C sees the DVD cover of one of her latest movies, and basically has a meltdown when it's not to her liking. Things go from bad to worse when M/C gets a D on a film paper (but scores some tutoring seshes from cute but self-righteous Eli) and gets clobbered with a volleyball by Mean Girls whore. Trudy and M/C drown their sorrows with some baking, and Eli's sister stops by to invite M/C to a sleepover at her house that weekend.
Unfortunately, M/C gets in a fight at the sleepover with some blonde chick who has a thing for Eli. Too bad he likes alcoholic whores, blondie! M/C storms away and calls her mom. A man answers the phone and identifies himself as her mom's husband. Whoopsies, it's her manager Sam. They got hitched and didn't bother to tell M/C. Despite the fact that she's living with a 17-year-old recovering alchie, Trudy stills has plenty of vodka in the cabinet, and M/C drowns her sorrows with a few screwdrivers.
As a result, M/C is feeling like death the next AM when a) Aunt Trudy finds her and rips her a new one and b) Eli shows up with the sleeping bag she'd left at his house after bolting the night before. M/C is about to spill the beans on the whole "I'm famous" thing when she decides against it and instead steals from the plot of a Lifetime movie she'd starred in (how meta) and tells Eli she's on the run from an abusive father. Riiight.
Despite being a well-read pompous ass, Eli falls for it, promises to protect her from her psycho "dad" and then asks her out on a date. Score!
Stealing liquor and getting tanked at Aunt Trudy's house is apparently grounds for a reward and M/C's starlet pal Marissa shows up in Indiana with her big sunglasses, a disdain for carbs, and an atrocious Texas accent she's honing for her next role. Marissa convinces M/C to skip out for a night on the town in Chicago, where Marissa gets trashed and dances on the bar, but M/C sees the error in her ways and remains sober.
She cabs it home (211 miles?) to an irked Aunt Trudy, who tells her to shape up or ship out. Not to worry, M/C has better things to think about -- like having fried soda at the county fair and a dancefloor kiss with Eli. Oooh. Aunt Trudy subsequently has her own walk of shame and the two share a few giggles over what big sluts they are.
Insert a montage of Good Times with Eli and evil looks from Blondie.
I think you all know what's going to happen now. Some photographer snapped a pic of M/C holding Marissa's drink at the Chicago club, blondie recognizes her and tells M/C to leave Eli alone or she's going to blow the whole operation. Blondie's no fool and demands $50K from a tabloid, and soon the paparazzi's finest have descended upon Fort Wayne.
Paps are camped on Trudy's lawn, Extra has the minute-by-minute updates, Eli feels betrayed (and self righteous).
Morgan's (no more Claudia, thank you very much) mom and manager/stepdad show up and tell her that she got the role in the upcoming Steven Soderbergh film. Is it bad that I felt excited at this point and really wanted her to ditch Trudy and hightail it to LA ASAP? Alas, the dumb whore has learned some lessons and actually wants to finish high school. Dumbass - it's more of the same; leave the hicks and go get your Oscar on!
To throw off the paps, Morgan deploys a decoy who boards a plane with mom and manager back to LA. Morgan then throws rocks at Eli's window to get his attention, even though I don't recall her having been banned from their house. Eli comes outside, Morgan gives an impassioned "you're the only people who stood up for me even when no one paid you" speech, but incredibly well-read Eli can't tell if she's acting or being genuine and storms off.
No bother. Morgan decides to stick it out in Fort Wayne - even tho the paps have returned - and wouldn't you know it, as Morgan is about to be crushed by a throng of reporters outside of school, who rides up on his motorcyle to save the day? Eli!! She gets on his motorcycle and they drive off into ... er, the parking lot adjacent to the paparazzi. But you know, romantic or whatever.
- Callie Cain ¶ 12:01 AM