Monday, August 4, 2008
Cradle of Conspiracy
Winnie Cooper is knocked up!
I'm sure many of you fondly recall NBC's "Moment of Truth" movies. Every Monday night, before there was reality TV, we got two hours of glorious, melodramatic trash. "Cradle of Conspiracy" was one of those cinematic gems; I vividly recall my all-girls high school gym class wasting an entire class period talking (with the gym teacher) about this movie.
Danica McKellar/Winnie stars as Kristin Guthrie, a high school track star who gets caught up with The Wrong Guy. Kenny has a black '57 Chevy convertible, hair reminiscent of 90210's Steve Sanders, and acid washed jeans only a small-town girl with overbearing parents could love.
"With you I can do anything!" a doe-eyed Kristin tells Kenny as they slow dance at the local country-western bar. He smiles, Kristin melts, but we know there's evil lurking behind those pearly whites.
Mooning over Kenny doesn't help Kristin's running and she loses a big race, much to Mommy's dismay. She assumes it's Kenny's fault and wisely bans her daughter from seeing him. Cut to Kristin and Kenny in a post-coital cuddlefest in the trailer he rents across the street from the gas station. Classy stuff.
"I've never felt like this before," Kristin says, apparently referring to emotions and the not the rash she'll probably get from Kenny's bedsheets. "It kind of scares me."
"Guys get scared too sometimes, you know," Kenny responds. "I haven't let anyone get this close to me in a long time."
A more seasoned woman bedding down a trailer park mechanic might roll her eyes and tell Kenny to get her a light, but Kristin is overcome with emotion and tells Kenny she loves him.
But does he love her?
Love apparently translates into ditching track practice and your friends for some quality time in the '57 Chevy. Before you can say "very special episode" Kristin is puking in the girls room toilet and confessing (in some hideous patchwork sweatshirt no less) to her friend Janine that she's preggers.
"My parents were furious when I quit the track team. I don't even want to think about how they're going to react to this!" Kristin wails after she tells Kenny.
Shocker - Kenny is supportive and very much against an abortion. He tells her they're in this together, embraces her, and smirks as the camera goes in for a sinister closeup. What could this darling baby daddy have up his sleeve?
Kristin tries to tell her mom about the baby on her 17th birthday, but when mom gets upset at the thought of talking about why Kristin quit the track team, Kristin decides to hold off on bringing up the fact that she's knocked up. Her parents give her an expensive ring that has been passed down for generations. Kristin almost blows it when she breaks down after mom tells her she's "still our perfect kid" but she pulls out an Oscar-worthy performance and tells the 'rents she's blubbering because the ring is so beautiful. Bravo.
Naturally the best course of action is to completely disappear without a trace and head with Kenny to Louisiana so they can give the kid up for adoption. Kristin packs her favorite stuffed animal and disappears into the night with prince charming. At the train station, we hear Kenny on the phone telling a mysterious figure that you're "going to like this one." He joins Kristin on a bench, where Kristin whines about wanting to be able to add a new stone to her ring for her firstborn. Kenny basically tells her to forget it, and then asks her how much the ring would be worth. Kristin looks momentarily stunned, but Kenny is saved by the announcement for their train.
Meanwhile, Kristin's parents have noticed that their only child is gone. They call the cops, who couldn't give a shit. "She'll probably turn up with a wedding band on her finger," a graying cop tells Mr. Guthrie.
Kenny and Kristin arrive in Louisiana at a Melrose Place-esque complex with a ton of pregnant ladies hanging around the pool. A stern looking matron with a horrible Southern accent gives Kenny $100 for food and shows them to their depressing apartment. Kenny leaves to scrounge up some grub, and a pregnant chick named Donna (Jamie Luner of Savannah and Melrose Place fame) wanders into their apartment. Within minutes, she tells Kristin that she's on baby number three, baby number one was the result of being raped by daddy and that stern Southern woman and her people basically pay her to keep having kids. The she lights up a cigarette.
Back at home, Kristin's parents track down Kenny's trailer. The gas station owner tells them to they might want to talk to the Bishop family. Turns out Kenny knocked up their daughter too and recently tried to steal the kid.
Back to Kenny, who is visiting a Southern mafia type in his marble palace. "You done good," he tells Kenny. Unfortunately, he refuses to give the young lad an advance for all his hard work since he failed to get the Bishop girl's baby. Southern mafia guy apparently wanted to sell it on the black market and now he's out a couple grand. Whoopsies.
Kristin's father screams at the cops for doing nothing and he and wifey get in some boring fight about expectations, fiber-enhanced Metamucil, and making a better life for your child.
Kristin is bored in Louisiana, but Kenny has no cash and no more '57 Chevy for jailbait joyrides. He suggests she pawn her ring, but when she refuses he storms out ostensibly in search of a job. Kristin licks her wounds down by the pool where Donna introduces her to a little orphan Annie-esque woman named Pammy who is pregnant with twins that she has named Ricky and Lucy.
Despite the fact that Kenny stormed out because he had no money, he returns with groceries and order Kristin to cook him some dinner. When she responds by saying she wants to call her parents, Kenny musters all he leanred in Emotionally Abusive Boyfriend 101 and wonders allowed, "What if they hang up on you? Can you handle that?" You know what's coming next right? He suggests that she instead write them a letter, which he volunteers to mail himself. What a champ.
Back at home, K's mom pressures her friend Janine for info. Janine spills the beans, tells her mom that Kristin found an ad in the paper for adoptive parents and took off. K's parents pour thru the paper and find the ad, which actually connects them to stern Southern woman. WTF? First of all, why do they even need to place an ad in the paper if Kenny is doing all the dirty work? And even if you put an ad in the paper to make it seem more plausible to the unsuspecting girls, why put the correct phone number so you can be traced?!
Moment of Truth fuckery aside, K's parents go to the courthouse. The lawyer lady tells them to call Kristin, but not mention anything about the Bishop girl. Dad fucks that up and insults Kenny the second he gets the chance, prompting a distraught Kristin to hang up. Lawyer lady eventually secures arrest warrants for Kenny and Kristin. It's a race against time, though, because even though Kristin is 17, she's technically not a minor anymore if she lives in LA for more than a month. Some hillbilly cops who are apparently aligned with Southern mafia guy try to stall Kristin and Kenny's arrest, but their take-no-prisoners seargant tells them to straighten up and bring 'em in.
Kenny tries to escape, but the cops bring the two of them in. "I will break your trashy neck!" K's dad bellows at a pissed-off Kenny.
Oh also, it's implied that stern Southern woman killed Pammy because she wanted to keep her kids instead of giving them up for adoption. That's neither here nor there.
Kristin still loves Kenny, but mom takes her to see Sarah Bishop and an ugly looking child Sarah insists looks exactly like Kenny. Kristin goes into labor, but doesn't want the kid, despite mom's protests. They bring it home, but guess who is watching them from across the street? Master Kenneth.
Kristin's not really bonding with the new baby, but mom loves the shit out of it. Why? Turns out she had a kid of her own at 16 and had to give it up for adoption and wanted to let Kristin know that she had options and didn't have to do the same. Uh, I think Kristin said she didn't want the kid. Was that not one of the options?
Mom leaves Kristin home with the baby one day and who shows up? Yeah, Kenny. He asks to hold the kid, pushes Kristin down, and runs out of the house. She apparently has the reflexes of a 90-year-old woman because it takes her a good 10 seconds to recover from a mild shove. Kenny comically tosses the kid into a carboard box in his frontseat and peels off. In a very anti-climactic set of events, Kenny is pulled over and taken to jail. Kristin visits him and asks him to sign over his parental rights, which he refuses to do -- until she offers him the family ring as collateral. Oh, for a ring? No problem. He rubs it and smirks as a dejected Kristin leaves the jail.
Why didn't she just shove him after he signed the paper and steal the ring back? I think at this point we know that homeslice is not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. That kid is going to need some serious therapy, but that will probably be discussed in the sequel. Training Wheels of Tyranny? Big Boy Bed of Debauchary? Wait for it.
Oh, and I thought Kenny looked familiar, and turns out he was on an episode of "Sex and the City" -- he played Ned, the guy Charlotte met at a cemetary mourning at his wife's grave, but who was really just using the poor widower routine to pick up chicks. Some things never change.
-Callie Cain ¶ 11:40 PM
Winnie Cooper is knocked up!
I'm sure many of you fondly recall NBC's "Moment of Truth" movies. Every Monday night, before there was reality TV, we got two hours of glorious, melodramatic trash. "Cradle of Conspiracy" was one of those cinematic gems; I vividly recall my all-girls high school gym class wasting an entire class period talking (with the gym teacher) about this movie.
Danica McKellar/Winnie stars as Kristin Guthrie, a high school track star who gets caught up with The Wrong Guy. Kenny has a black '57 Chevy convertible, hair reminiscent of 90210's Steve Sanders, and acid washed jeans only a small-town girl with overbearing parents could love.
"With you I can do anything!" a doe-eyed Kristin tells Kenny as they slow dance at the local country-western bar. He smiles, Kristin melts, but we know there's evil lurking behind those pearly whites.
Mooning over Kenny doesn't help Kristin's running and she loses a big race, much to Mommy's dismay. She assumes it's Kenny's fault and wisely bans her daughter from seeing him. Cut to Kristin and Kenny in a post-coital cuddlefest in the trailer he rents across the street from the gas station. Classy stuff.
"I've never felt like this before," Kristin says, apparently referring to emotions and the not the rash she'll probably get from Kenny's bedsheets. "It kind of scares me."
"Guys get scared too sometimes, you know," Kenny responds. "I haven't let anyone get this close to me in a long time."
A more seasoned woman bedding down a trailer park mechanic might roll her eyes and tell Kenny to get her a light, but Kristin is overcome with emotion and tells Kenny she loves him.
But does he love her?
Love apparently translates into ditching track practice and your friends for some quality time in the '57 Chevy. Before you can say "very special episode" Kristin is puking in the girls room toilet and confessing (in some hideous patchwork sweatshirt no less) to her friend Janine that she's preggers.
"My parents were furious when I quit the track team. I don't even want to think about how they're going to react to this!" Kristin wails after she tells Kenny.
Shocker - Kenny is supportive and very much against an abortion. He tells her they're in this together, embraces her, and smirks as the camera goes in for a sinister closeup. What could this darling baby daddy have up his sleeve?
Kristin tries to tell her mom about the baby on her 17th birthday, but when mom gets upset at the thought of talking about why Kristin quit the track team, Kristin decides to hold off on bringing up the fact that she's knocked up. Her parents give her an expensive ring that has been passed down for generations. Kristin almost blows it when she breaks down after mom tells her she's "still our perfect kid" but she pulls out an Oscar-worthy performance and tells the 'rents she's blubbering because the ring is so beautiful. Bravo.
Naturally the best course of action is to completely disappear without a trace and head with Kenny to Louisiana so they can give the kid up for adoption. Kristin packs her favorite stuffed animal and disappears into the night with prince charming. At the train station, we hear Kenny on the phone telling a mysterious figure that you're "going to like this one." He joins Kristin on a bench, where Kristin whines about wanting to be able to add a new stone to her ring for her firstborn. Kenny basically tells her to forget it, and then asks her how much the ring would be worth. Kristin looks momentarily stunned, but Kenny is saved by the announcement for their train.
Meanwhile, Kristin's parents have noticed that their only child is gone. They call the cops, who couldn't give a shit. "She'll probably turn up with a wedding band on her finger," a graying cop tells Mr. Guthrie.
Kenny and Kristin arrive in Louisiana at a Melrose Place-esque complex with a ton of pregnant ladies hanging around the pool. A stern looking matron with a horrible Southern accent gives Kenny $100 for food and shows them to their depressing apartment. Kenny leaves to scrounge up some grub, and a pregnant chick named Donna (Jamie Luner of Savannah and Melrose Place fame) wanders into their apartment. Within minutes, she tells Kristin that she's on baby number three, baby number one was the result of being raped by daddy and that stern Southern woman and her people basically pay her to keep having kids. The she lights up a cigarette.
Back at home, Kristin's parents track down Kenny's trailer. The gas station owner tells them to they might want to talk to the Bishop family. Turns out Kenny knocked up their daughter too and recently tried to steal the kid.
Back to Kenny, who is visiting a Southern mafia type in his marble palace. "You done good," he tells Kenny. Unfortunately, he refuses to give the young lad an advance for all his hard work since he failed to get the Bishop girl's baby. Southern mafia guy apparently wanted to sell it on the black market and now he's out a couple grand. Whoopsies.
Kristin's father screams at the cops for doing nothing and he and wifey get in some boring fight about expectations, fiber-enhanced Metamucil, and making a better life for your child.
Kristin is bored in Louisiana, but Kenny has no cash and no more '57 Chevy for jailbait joyrides. He suggests she pawn her ring, but when she refuses he storms out ostensibly in search of a job. Kristin licks her wounds down by the pool where Donna introduces her to a little orphan Annie-esque woman named Pammy who is pregnant with twins that she has named Ricky and Lucy.
Despite the fact that Kenny stormed out because he had no money, he returns with groceries and order Kristin to cook him some dinner. When she responds by saying she wants to call her parents, Kenny musters all he leanred in Emotionally Abusive Boyfriend 101 and wonders allowed, "What if they hang up on you? Can you handle that?" You know what's coming next right? He suggests that she instead write them a letter, which he volunteers to mail himself. What a champ.
Back at home, K's mom pressures her friend Janine for info. Janine spills the beans, tells her mom that Kristin found an ad in the paper for adoptive parents and took off. K's parents pour thru the paper and find the ad, which actually connects them to stern Southern woman. WTF? First of all, why do they even need to place an ad in the paper if Kenny is doing all the dirty work? And even if you put an ad in the paper to make it seem more plausible to the unsuspecting girls, why put the correct phone number so you can be traced?!
Moment of Truth fuckery aside, K's parents go to the courthouse. The lawyer lady tells them to call Kristin, but not mention anything about the Bishop girl. Dad fucks that up and insults Kenny the second he gets the chance, prompting a distraught Kristin to hang up. Lawyer lady eventually secures arrest warrants for Kenny and Kristin. It's a race against time, though, because even though Kristin is 17, she's technically not a minor anymore if she lives in LA for more than a month. Some hillbilly cops who are apparently aligned with Southern mafia guy try to stall Kristin and Kenny's arrest, but their take-no-prisoners seargant tells them to straighten up and bring 'em in.
Kenny tries to escape, but the cops bring the two of them in. "I will break your trashy neck!" K's dad bellows at a pissed-off Kenny.
Oh also, it's implied that stern Southern woman killed Pammy because she wanted to keep her kids instead of giving them up for adoption. That's neither here nor there.
Kristin still loves Kenny, but mom takes her to see Sarah Bishop and an ugly looking child Sarah insists looks exactly like Kenny. Kristin goes into labor, but doesn't want the kid, despite mom's protests. They bring it home, but guess who is watching them from across the street? Master Kenneth.
Kristin's not really bonding with the new baby, but mom loves the shit out of it. Why? Turns out she had a kid of her own at 16 and had to give it up for adoption and wanted to let Kristin know that she had options and didn't have to do the same. Uh, I think Kristin said she didn't want the kid. Was that not one of the options?
Mom leaves Kristin home with the baby one day and who shows up? Yeah, Kenny. He asks to hold the kid, pushes Kristin down, and runs out of the house. She apparently has the reflexes of a 90-year-old woman because it takes her a good 10 seconds to recover from a mild shove. Kenny comically tosses the kid into a carboard box in his frontseat and peels off. In a very anti-climactic set of events, Kenny is pulled over and taken to jail. Kristin visits him and asks him to sign over his parental rights, which he refuses to do -- until she offers him the family ring as collateral. Oh, for a ring? No problem. He rubs it and smirks as a dejected Kristin leaves the jail.
Why didn't she just shove him after he signed the paper and steal the ring back? I think at this point we know that homeslice is not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. That kid is going to need some serious therapy, but that will probably be discussed in the sequel. Training Wheels of Tyranny? Big Boy Bed of Debauchary? Wait for it.
Oh, and I thought Kenny looked familiar, and turns out he was on an episode of "Sex and the City" -- he played Ned, the guy Charlotte met at a cemetary mourning at his wife's grave, but who was really just using the poor widower routine to pick up chicks. Some things never change.
-Callie Cain ¶ 11:40 PM