Monday, August 4, 2008
Too Young to Be a Dad
"Better than a dentist, not as good as Christmas" That describes the Lifetime Network. Oh, and in this movie, a girl's first time! Super.
"Too Young to Be a Dad" sets it all up from the start. Opening scene: the good kid, the smart, well-behaved son is being inducted into the National Honor Roll society (wow, did the Honor Society not grant fair use?) as a. . . freshman. Wow! He's totally gonna fuck up soon. Back at home, his parents are looking out the window at slutty older daughter steaming up her boyfriend's car windows. As they complain what a useless slut she is, they comfort themselves by knowing they have at least one good kid. Not for long, fools!
The son, played by Paul Dano of Little Miss Sunshine fame (the kid who didn't speak for most of the film), has a girl has a best friend (Blair) AND a love interest (Francesca). Oooh, love triangle. BFF walks in on the boy, Matt, kissing the love interest (who just described her first time as better than a dentist. . .) and storms out. Uh-oh tension. The new couple cuts class and heads to the girl's house. [[Creepy side note: an earlier throwaway scene showed love interest girl trying on a dress, looking in the mirror and asking "am I pretty enough for your party, Daddy?"]] I didn't know this was that kind of movie.
Anyway, Daddy's little girl had sex once and wants it again. Bad. So they do it and it's way awkward. Son comes home and snaps at mom. Shit! Next day, boy tells girl--I'm just not ready. Lil late for that. Then he gives her the friend line and says "nothing's different."
EXCEPT YOU GOT HER PREGNANT CUZ EVERYONE ON TV GETS PREGGERS THE FIRST TIME.
Francesca get dressed for a party, but her parents don't like her outfit. There's no indication of time passing, but she's already actin like she thinks she's pregnant. Meanwhile, big sis gets a nose ring and bad grades. Francesca's not getting her period anymore. Awkward. Boy steals prego test for her. That's love. Of course they're right next to the condoms. Subtext much? Ew, they got the kind where you dip a strip into a cup of pee. Mom interrupts to see if they want a snack--yeah mom, get me some pickles and ice cream, m'kay? Francesca's parents are worried about her--she's getting fat and unmotivated. She must be smoking pot! She's throwing up, creepy Dad senses she's pregnant.
Meanwhile, Dano's Mom (played by Kathy Baker, she's been in everything from Touched by an Angel to Gilmore Girls) find all sorts of contraband in big sis's room. Then she gets a WAY awkward call from Francesca's creepy dad. Now both her kids totally suck! IT ONLY TAKES ONE TIME! Oooh BFF is being a total bitch and blaming Francesca for everything. Oh wait, she's jealous, and feels left behind cuz she's still a virgin. Dano describes the sex as: it happened so fast. Dano's dad (Bruce Davison--he's been on the L-Word!) says: Oh man, I didn't need this and I'm too busy. I'm the dad archetype who shuts down when bad stuff happens. Mom and Matt go to an awkward family meeting with F's parents. They decide to split the medical bills since it's too late for an abortion and put the thing up for adoption. I guess the movie's over then, right? Oh wait, we're only at the 41 minute mark. Crap this movie's boring.
Dad comes home, mom is passive aggressive, dad says he hopes they aborted the baby. Dano walks up and apologizes for ruining their chances at having one perfect child. Mom complains to her co-worker about how kids suck no matter what you do. Then she drives over a bridge. Really? The school principal calls to say that teenage parents have to be transferred to special schools. He's out of the academic program! Oh no! His LIFE IS RUINED. Dano walks down the hall with two people we've never seen before. Francesca cleans out her locker; she's heading for alternative school. Reminds me of Degrassi Jr. High when Spike gets kicked out for getting knocked up.
Mom decides to fix her other child--making her apply for college and stuff. If not, she has to pay rent. She's mad cuz slut brother gets a free ride. I HATE YOU. Francesca plays chess with her dad. Dano stops by and dad cockblocks him. Dano looks all sad and shit. Now sis is mad cuz the family's all poor and stuff cuz they're paying medical bills. Seriously Francesca's father is a doctor and they have crap medical insurance? Are you kidding me?
Matt wants to go to the special school with Francesca even though it will RUIN HIS LIFE. Mom hates both her kids. Dano gets on the short bus with a whole bunch of pregant girlz. What do they teach at the alternative school? How to take care of babies of course! Matt's really good at it--I think he might want to keep the baby. Oh sorry, spoiler alert! What a twist that would be! Uh oh. Dano's boss doesn't care about child labor laws!! Oh good, it's time for a montage. Dano works hard to pay his parents back for the bills. Gets really good at his job! Some terrible song about pride plays. He even sells his prized video games to some random dude on the street. How enterprising. The he gets gay and looks at baby stuff. He buys a stuffed cardinal. Montage ends and Dano makes a honey and chocolate sandwich. Srsly.
Oh wow, Dad's saying nice things about bad seed sister. She's all independent and smart and stuff. (And prolly uses condoms too.) Dano comes home with a doll and scares his sister with it. Prolly homework from the shortbus school. Mom encourages this behavior. Now she's suddenly proud of him. "You're not just an honor student, you're an honorable young man." Tears!
Wow Francesca's prego belly looks WAY fake. They're sitting with the lawyer finding out how their kid is getting new parents. Dano reluctantly signs and then storms out of the room. Ew--the shithole restaurant he works at sells seafood.
This movies sucks. Not in a Lifetime so bad it's good or so cheesy it's hilarious, it's flat out boring. It's clear the kid doesn't want to give up the baby and he's going to end up raising the thing. Oh here's something new. Parents talk dirty in bed but don't have sex. Dad goes into daughter's room instead. No, not for that. To tell daughter to stop smoking.
Phew. 30 mins to go including commercials. I'M SO BORED.
Mom's looking at baby pics of her kids, shows them to Dano to rub it in. He's upset but very deadpan about it. End scene. Baby's due next week! End in sight. Mom proposes raising the baby themselves. Dad disagrees. We'll see about that. Commercial break: turns out I'm watching Lifetime's Fallen Angels week. Great.
We're back at the beach with Dano and his BFF. Wow, I totally forgot about her. Scene's over. Mom and daughter talk, she insincerely says she's proud of her. Daughter's allowed to blow off college. Mom and son go in for a cuddle. Mom rubs it in some more about Matt's crappy sitch. And Francesca's going into labor. 15 minutes and counting. Dano's at the hospital with the stuffed bird. Baby gets bornded; we don't see it. Dano makes a run for the prenatal unit. No one stops him. It's a goil! Nurse brings the baby out for him to hold without even checking who they are. He knows how to hold the baby cuz he practiced on dolls. Pompous dad interrupts; acts sinister. Maybe he'll murder them and make this movie really pop. Seriously, they could have chopped out a full hour and no one would have noticed. Daughter gets home from work, insists they go to the hospital. Stat! Mom tells pompous dad off. Matt bounces the baby. Sis has her hair back in a braid--she's reformed! I think the family's gonna cave and keep the baby. Dad says: it's for life, son. Dano names the baby Genevieve and then throws a diaper at his sister. Seriously why is everyone so fucking calm?
Dano signs back into the baby's life whilst looking wildly disinterested. His parents are totally on board! Sis and BFF set up baby's room. Everyone gathers round the baby cuz they're a happy family. Seriously is this over yet??? Mom turns off some lights, watches son play with baby while's he on the computer. Terrible music plays as the camera pans out the window. And it's over. kthnksbai. ¶ 1:12 AM
"Better than a dentist, not as good as Christmas" That describes the Lifetime Network. Oh, and in this movie, a girl's first time! Super.
"Too Young to Be a Dad" sets it all up from the start. Opening scene: the good kid, the smart, well-behaved son is being inducted into the National Honor Roll society (wow, did the Honor Society not grant fair use?) as a. . . freshman. Wow! He's totally gonna fuck up soon. Back at home, his parents are looking out the window at slutty older daughter steaming up her boyfriend's car windows. As they complain what a useless slut she is, they comfort themselves by knowing they have at least one good kid. Not for long, fools!
The son, played by Paul Dano of Little Miss Sunshine fame (the kid who didn't speak for most of the film), has a girl has a best friend (Blair) AND a love interest (Francesca). Oooh, love triangle. BFF walks in on the boy, Matt, kissing the love interest (who just described her first time as better than a dentist. . .) and storms out. Uh-oh tension. The new couple cuts class and heads to the girl's house. [[Creepy side note: an earlier throwaway scene showed love interest girl trying on a dress, looking in the mirror and asking "am I pretty enough for your party, Daddy?"]] I didn't know this was that kind of movie.
Anyway, Daddy's little girl had sex once and wants it again. Bad. So they do it and it's way awkward. Son comes home and snaps at mom. Shit! Next day, boy tells girl--I'm just not ready. Lil late for that. Then he gives her the friend line and says "nothing's different."
EXCEPT YOU GOT HER PREGNANT CUZ EVERYONE ON TV GETS PREGGERS THE FIRST TIME.
Francesca get dressed for a party, but her parents don't like her outfit. There's no indication of time passing, but she's already actin like she thinks she's pregnant. Meanwhile, big sis gets a nose ring and bad grades. Francesca's not getting her period anymore. Awkward. Boy steals prego test for her. That's love. Of course they're right next to the condoms. Subtext much? Ew, they got the kind where you dip a strip into a cup of pee. Mom interrupts to see if they want a snack--yeah mom, get me some pickles and ice cream, m'kay? Francesca's parents are worried about her--she's getting fat and unmotivated. She must be smoking pot! She's throwing up, creepy Dad senses she's pregnant.
Meanwhile, Dano's Mom (played by Kathy Baker, she's been in everything from Touched by an Angel to Gilmore Girls) find all sorts of contraband in big sis's room. Then she gets a WAY awkward call from Francesca's creepy dad. Now both her kids totally suck! IT ONLY TAKES ONE TIME! Oooh BFF is being a total bitch and blaming Francesca for everything. Oh wait, she's jealous, and feels left behind cuz she's still a virgin. Dano describes the sex as: it happened so fast. Dano's dad (Bruce Davison--he's been on the L-Word!) says: Oh man, I didn't need this and I'm too busy. I'm the dad archetype who shuts down when bad stuff happens. Mom and Matt go to an awkward family meeting with F's parents. They decide to split the medical bills since it's too late for an abortion and put the thing up for adoption. I guess the movie's over then, right? Oh wait, we're only at the 41 minute mark. Crap this movie's boring.
Dad comes home, mom is passive aggressive, dad says he hopes they aborted the baby. Dano walks up and apologizes for ruining their chances at having one perfect child. Mom complains to her co-worker about how kids suck no matter what you do. Then she drives over a bridge. Really? The school principal calls to say that teenage parents have to be transferred to special schools. He's out of the academic program! Oh no! His LIFE IS RUINED. Dano walks down the hall with two people we've never seen before. Francesca cleans out her locker; she's heading for alternative school. Reminds me of Degrassi Jr. High when Spike gets kicked out for getting knocked up.
Mom decides to fix her other child--making her apply for college and stuff. If not, she has to pay rent. She's mad cuz slut brother gets a free ride. I HATE YOU. Francesca plays chess with her dad. Dano stops by and dad cockblocks him. Dano looks all sad and shit. Now sis is mad cuz the family's all poor and stuff cuz they're paying medical bills. Seriously Francesca's father is a doctor and they have crap medical insurance? Are you kidding me?
Matt wants to go to the special school with Francesca even though it will RUIN HIS LIFE. Mom hates both her kids. Dano gets on the short bus with a whole bunch of pregant girlz. What do they teach at the alternative school? How to take care of babies of course! Matt's really good at it--I think he might want to keep the baby. Oh sorry, spoiler alert! What a twist that would be! Uh oh. Dano's boss doesn't care about child labor laws!! Oh good, it's time for a montage. Dano works hard to pay his parents back for the bills. Gets really good at his job! Some terrible song about pride plays. He even sells his prized video games to some random dude on the street. How enterprising. The he gets gay and looks at baby stuff. He buys a stuffed cardinal. Montage ends and Dano makes a honey and chocolate sandwich. Srsly.
Oh wow, Dad's saying nice things about bad seed sister. She's all independent and smart and stuff. (And prolly uses condoms too.) Dano comes home with a doll and scares his sister with it. Prolly homework from the shortbus school. Mom encourages this behavior. Now she's suddenly proud of him. "You're not just an honor student, you're an honorable young man." Tears!
Wow Francesca's prego belly looks WAY fake. They're sitting with the lawyer finding out how their kid is getting new parents. Dano reluctantly signs and then storms out of the room. Ew--the shithole restaurant he works at sells seafood.
This movies sucks. Not in a Lifetime so bad it's good or so cheesy it's hilarious, it's flat out boring. It's clear the kid doesn't want to give up the baby and he's going to end up raising the thing. Oh here's something new. Parents talk dirty in bed but don't have sex. Dad goes into daughter's room instead. No, not for that. To tell daughter to stop smoking.
Phew. 30 mins to go including commercials. I'M SO BORED.
Mom's looking at baby pics of her kids, shows them to Dano to rub it in. He's upset but very deadpan about it. End scene. Baby's due next week! End in sight. Mom proposes raising the baby themselves. Dad disagrees. We'll see about that. Commercial break: turns out I'm watching Lifetime's Fallen Angels week. Great.
We're back at the beach with Dano and his BFF. Wow, I totally forgot about her. Scene's over. Mom and daughter talk, she insincerely says she's proud of her. Daughter's allowed to blow off college. Mom and son go in for a cuddle. Mom rubs it in some more about Matt's crappy sitch. And Francesca's going into labor. 15 minutes and counting. Dano's at the hospital with the stuffed bird. Baby gets bornded; we don't see it. Dano makes a run for the prenatal unit. No one stops him. It's a goil! Nurse brings the baby out for him to hold without even checking who they are. He knows how to hold the baby cuz he practiced on dolls. Pompous dad interrupts; acts sinister. Maybe he'll murder them and make this movie really pop. Seriously, they could have chopped out a full hour and no one would have noticed. Daughter gets home from work, insists they go to the hospital. Stat! Mom tells pompous dad off. Matt bounces the baby. Sis has her hair back in a braid--she's reformed! I think the family's gonna cave and keep the baby. Dad says: it's for life, son. Dano names the baby Genevieve and then throws a diaper at his sister. Seriously why is everyone so fucking calm?
Dano signs back into the baby's life whilst looking wildly disinterested. His parents are totally on board! Sis and BFF set up baby's room. Everyone gathers round the baby cuz they're a happy family. Seriously is this over yet??? Mom turns off some lights, watches son play with baby while's he on the computer. Terrible music plays as the camera pans out the window. And it's over. kthnksbai. ¶ 1:12 AM