Lifetime Will Cut a Bitch
Thursday, August 7, 2008
  The Perfect Bride
Here's the setup: creepy bride, oblivious groom, overprotective sister, and horrific acting! The Perfect Bride starts with a bang--creepy bride (Stephanie) tries on a super fugly wedding gown while her intended leers at her with his porn stache. She sits next to him on the bed and confronts him about seeing his old girlfriend using a hideously bad British accent. I'm thinking it's a dream sequence especially because there's a redonkulously creepy music box--but they're saving that for later. Anyway, bride gets pissed and stabs her boyfriend with a needle. He immediately dies and she washes her hair with a sinister smile.

Then she's got new blonde hair and she's at a stilted wedding shower with a buncha old ladies as well as her new fiance's creepily overprotective sister (Laura played by Kelly Preston--Mrs. John Travolta!). I know she's supposed to be the one who senses the creepiness first, but she's a little ahead of herself.

And she evens missed this bit: Stephanie has a creepy flashback involving that creepy music box, where's she's a little girl with a terrible British accent (so that's supposed to be REAL? Why make her British if she sucks so bad at accents?) Anyway, it turns out Allison Mack (Chloe on Smallville) plays the young version of Stephanie. And wow, the adult Stephanie is played by someone named Sammi Davis. I swear. And get this: she's from ENGLAND. ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME? I guess it's like someone from California trying to do a New York accent or something. Egads. OMG It gets better. She was nominated for a GOLDEN GLOBE. Smelling salts please?

OMG--Stephanie CRIMPED her hair--It's so 1991, I don't even need to look it up.


Bride, groom and sis go to a gym to play tennis and the floozy at the front desk totally flirts with groom. She's SO dying in the first act. Bride calls her slut and goes on a rampage while trying on her wedding dress.

Backstory: Sis and bro had another sister--Katherine who died and it was kinda sis's fault. Awkward! Oh, and dad has Alzheimer's.

How's this for contrived? The caterer just moved to wherever they are from San Diego and was hired to cater creepy bride's last wedding! She's all "you look familiar, do I know you?" And Steph is TOTALLY FREAKING OUT. She leaves the room, but overhears caterer telling mom-in-law and Laura that the groom died the night before the wedding of some heart condition. Stephanie almost LOSES HER MIND. The bodies are gonna start piling up soon. Right? Please???

The acting is so bad that if feels like they just filmed the table reading. And the music is pure vintage Lifetime crap that tells you exactly what to feel. Scary violins! Laura starts snooping and groom (his name is Ted) gets pissed. Blah blah blah.

Oooh, crazy nurse Stephanie is gonna kill the caterer. That won't be suspicious at all! Wow, the old layd puts up quite a fight! She's wearing the most amazing old lady sweat suit--they're like totally strangling each other and reaching for the same knife. Here's comes the money shot the music is getting really sinister. . . And she pushes the old lady down the stairs in a totally slo-mo I've fallen and I can't get up manner. Then she leans in for the kill and steals the old lady's necklace. Nice.

Full moon. Ooooh. Family's eating dinner, murderer's late. All in a day's work! She went to place called Final Cut to get her hair cut--or pretended she did. Laura totally busts her though since she knows all the hairdressers there. To get out of it, she says she was shopping all day for a surprise--mmmm, I bet's it's the necklace! Perfect. Sidenote: unsurprisingly Steph and Ted have no chemistry.

Laura's looking at old newspapers in a microfiche machine and finds the story about groom #1's death.

Steph and Ted meet with the reverend for a counseling session and he asks them to share something new with each other. Steph has another flashback to her younger self finding something scary. She flips out and yells at Ted, but then they make up somehow. The priest asks to see Ted separately, but Steph overhears. I think he's next!

Meanwhile, Laura's trying to track down groom #1's family. . . She tries to talk to her mom, but NO ONE WILL LISTEN TO HER.

Steph tracks down the reverend and he confesses he's not sure they're right for each other. Uh oh, here comes the needle. No one's gonna get suspicious that all the people she meets are dying, right? Ha! The rev falls to the ground in the most comical way possible. Laura stops by and finds the body while Steph hides in the closet smiling. At home, the family plays Monopoly, and Laura announces that the Rev is DEAD! Steph tries not to laugh. For reals. She's wearing a gawdy floral blouse that's tacky even for 1991.

Laura finally tracks down groom #1's father and he mentions the name Darlene something or other. But not before Steph barges in--oh wait, it's just alzheimer's grandpa. I guess dad is that other gray-haired guy. Anyway, Laura calls Darlene and finds out she was once engaged to the dead guy. Oops--dipsy grandpa just totally screwed Laura over and told Steph she was talking to Darlene. Steph listens in on the line. Laura asks Darlene to fly over and identify Steph so they can totally bust her. That should totally work out fine.

Steph sees Ted off to his bachelor party in skin tight, high waisted mustard colored pants. Darlene waits at the airport, but guess who shows up? Ahahahahahah! Steph shows up with a wig, glasses, and a not half bad American accent. They almost get into an accident and Steph shouts BLOODY HELL in cockeyed cockney. Darlene gets out of the car and his hit by a car--the news says she's unconscious. I hope she gets a good nurse!

Meanwhile, at the Bachelor party, the guys are at some club with women dancing on mats in one-piece bathing suits. Bill Cosby sweaters and mullets abound. Laura barges in with evidence about two dead grooms who were engaged to nurses. Ted throws sis Katherine's death in her face and tells her to go home.

Hospital--Darlene's on life support and nurse Steph arrives with a needle just in time to finish her off. Oh wait, that's a nurse who looks just like her to fake us out! After some annoying sinister music and weird lighting effects, the real Steph cuts off her breathing and Darlene's opens her eyes and fights back. Of course, no one walks in or anything even when the machines start bleeping. And the violins are so loud!

Back at the bachelor party, Ted and the guys are barefoot for some reason, and out comes a stripper straight out of mardi gras hell. She gives Ted a big kiss then takes off her mask. It's the floozy from the gym. SHE IS SO DEAD! Ok, I guess there's wresting involved at this strip joint? But not mud wrestling. Ted and floozy wrestle just in time for Steph to arrive and freak out EVEN THOUGH SHE JUST KILLED SOMEONE DEAD WITHOUT EVEN BLINKING.

And this movie's not even close to over yet. Maybe Steph will kill the whole cast AND herself. One can hope. I guess we have to find out what the deal with Allison Mack is. Steph goes into her bedroom to find senile gramps creepily waiting there. Turns out he just doesn't know where he is. She kills him. Nah, maybe she doesn't.

Laura has a nightmare and finds Steph lurking around. Steph's all pissed about the bachelor party, but he's still alive. Then he totally lies and tells her there were no chicks there. Heads are gonna roll! Laura goes to the airport to check on Darlene but the computer's are conveniently down. Then she sees a newspaper headline about Darlene and runs! And now she's missing the rehearsal. Her family really hates her now. And they're totally not suspicious or weirded out that Stephanie has no family and no friends. At all. There's an awful lot of people at the rehearsal dinner tho. Laura's at the morgue identifying Darlene's body. Laura finds a photo album in her coat with a picture of Stephanie aka Susan with the dead fiance. Meanwhile Steph gets prepped to kill groom #3! Laura calls the catering hall, but of course doddering grandpa comes to the phone and is totally useless. Ted heads home to get some Steph tail.

Best line of the movie "Listen you dumb sonofabitch, Stephanie is murdering people!

Ok, half hour to go, Steph's got her godawful wedding gown on and the music box is playing. Music boxes of course will always be associated with Flowers inthe Attic that lovely incest movie. Allison Mack goes into the bathroom to find her mother in the bathroom in her wedding dress. She's bleeding but it's not clear from where or what. She tells Steph never to let a man hurt her--well that explains everything!

Of course, Laura gets stalled by a contrivance and races against time to save her brother. Prolly cuz she wants to bone him. Save the for the sequel! And now, back at the house, Steph is re-enacting the first scene of the movie. Laura arrives just in time. I NEVER saw this coming! Confrontation. Laura loses her shit, and Steph offers a mild sedative. Nice touch. In the struggle the music box breaks. Oh shit. Steph turns her rage on Ted cuz he crashed into it. Now it's time for her to go crazy--she calls him the wrong name and grabs a knife and stabs him. Spaghetti sauces seeps thru his shirt. The chicks go at it, and Steph gets away. Laura goes from room to room and takes the time to shut off the lights as she goes. Way to go green! Way to not like, call 911. Shit, Steph's back and I actually jumped. She tries to kick Laura up the stairs. Now we're in the attic. Now it's time for Steph's monologue on how men have fucked up her life. Laura nails her in the head witha baseball bat and Steph falls down the stairs and lands face up with her eyes open looking, I admit, absolutely terrifying. Demented music plays, and the credits roll.

Side note, there's an infomercial on right after for something call magicJack that PC Magazine apparently gave an Editors' Choice. Holla!
 
Comments:
"Prolly cuz she wants to bone him."

ROTFLMAO APM. G. SG.
 
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