The Babysitter's Seduction


The Babysitter's Seduction is all about Michelle Winston. That's right, me! It starts out with Michelle (Keri Russell) inside a mansion talking to her friend about boys. Then her boyfriend, who looks like an ad for "I Love the 90s" sneaks in and scares the shit out of her. They swim in the pool, she plays dead, then they hang out in the closet. Turns out she's babysitting for a rich family and she's poor! Mr Bartrand, Stephen Collins, looking uber creepy, drives her home. She mentions the only way she'll get to go to college is on an athletic scholarship. Why? Because she's POOR. But she's also a swimmer, which comes in handy later on.

Felicity's, er, Keri Russell's hair is crazy long in this movie. Mr Bartrand goes golfing with his body and they bitch about their wives for a spell. Then it's back to babysitting--Mrs. B models a hot dress, and Mr. B shows her his gift--a car--which she totally hates. Then they all go out for a family dinner, even though Mrs. B wanted a romantic dinner. Michelle takes the kids to another pool and tennis lessons and all kinds of rich kid stuff. Michelle returns home to find. . . Mrs. Bartrand is DEAD. After some poor acting, she calls the police.

Det. Kate Jacobs, Phylicia Rashad, arrives to save the day. Also the police chief who is Mr. B's golf partner. Mr. B arrives home and makes a good show of being upset. Phylicia questions Michelle, who talks about how perfect the Bartrands are. But wait! Turns out Mrs. B was on antidepressants. AND she had a lover. Oh shit!!!

And now it's time for Michelle and Mr. B's first date!



They meet at the country club. He tells her to call him Bill. And then manipulates her into coming back to babysit. And now they're back at his house looking at old pictures. Michelle wishes there was something she could do to help. I bet Bill will think of something. . . And hello creepy, he tells Michelle she can use his wife's new car! Michelle's mom is totally creeped out. Her boyfriend accuses her of being a slut. OMG it has a carphone! 90's boytoy is totally a jerk about it.

Phylicia Rashad, who has a needy dog named Willy--that'll be important later--tells her partner that Sally Bertrand's labwork is on his desk. Then she walks away--he asks if it all checks out, and she says no, that Sally Bertrand didn't kill herself. She had no gun powder residue on her hands. Why was she so casual about it then? Her partner tells Bill about it, and plants the seed that maybe the babysitter did it. Phylicia Rashad goes to see Sally's lover, who lives on a boat, who tells her that Bartrand was a total asshole. She's convinced HE did it--but she left YOU, didn't she Mr. Richards. . .

Mr Richards tries to track down the PI that followed him and Sally. The agency offers to "modem" it over to his computer. Really? What the hell does that mean??? Phylicia aka Kate Jacobs finds Michelle at school and tells her that Sally was MURDERED. Michelle starts falling for Mr. B, but then he brings home a date! And she went to the trouble of putting on her best pair of overalls and making dinner! And now she's back in Sally's closet checking out her sexy dresses. She tries one one and some jewelry and Bartrand walks in on her and it turns out he's totally hot for her. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. They totally make out. But then Bartrand totally sells her out and tells his cop friend that Michelle's psycho.

Sally's lover tries to hack into Bartrand's work computer, but he's unsuccessful. Michelle's now interviewing housekeepers for Bill. Her mom's creeped out but does nothing to stop her. Bill likes Michelle's skirt. Yum. Sally's lover shows up for an interview. Phylicia aka Kate is feeling neglected, and waits for Bartrand at work. He refers to Michelle as hired help. Sally's lover shows up for the housekeeping position so he can hack Bill's home computer. Bill and Phylicia chat about Sally. Phylicia accuses him of murder and he asks her to leave. Meanwhile Michelle's interviewing candidates and letting them call her Mrs. Bartrand. She walks in on Paul Richards (Sally's lovah) hacking the computer. He confesses and tells her Mr. B killed Sally. She doesn't believe him of course and tells Mr. B. He pretends to call the police and makes a big show of it. Then he uses the whole situation to seduce Michelle and convince her to stay over. Then he sees that Paul was successful in getting the PI files. Of course, he didn't go to the police, and Mr. B shows up and puts a gun in his face. He whispers to Paul about how hot the sex with Sally was after he caught her cheating. He makes Paul delete the files, but then they start fighting in a totally Lifetime way. You know, where they roll around on the floor, and crash into things and everything happens really slowly and it's almost like they're having sex. Then the gun goes off and Paul is dead. Mr. B dumps his body in the water.

Then he returns home to have some sexytime with Michelle. He gives her some of his dead wife's jewelry. "This afternoon I realized just how much I love you." He slowly unbuttons her shirt, cuz there's nothing like having sex with a teenager after killing someone. The next morning he watches as Kate chases her dog Willy down the beach. Michelle shows her BFF the jewelry Bill gave her and tries to pretend like she's not boning him. BFF tells her she's creepy. They argue in the bathroom, which is inexplicably covered in kid's painted handprints.

Frank the cop stops by the country club to chat with Michelle. Tracy totally sold her out and told him that she's in love with Bill. Frank tries to scare her into confessing. Michelle's mom asks her about the jewelry she's wearing and insists on returning it. Is he gonna kill her next? This is their first time meeting, nice. After all this, she's never met the guy that Michelle babysits for? And whose wife was just killed? Gross! Bill and Michelle are spooning. Naked! He tells her he wants to clean out his wife's closet. Next morning she tries on Sally's ugly sweater and gets rid of her clothes. Frank happens to drive by as she's loading up the car and says: "I like your sweater, Michelle. I liked it on Sally too." Bill says he wants to whisk Michelle away for weekend. Alone. SO HE CAN KILL HER! But then he tells Frank that she cleaned out Sally's closet without asking. Frank tells him, she's cute as a button, but she's not playing with a full deck.

Phylicia/Kate tells her that Frank thinks she killed Sally. Michelle's all whaaa?? Then Kate tells her "Frank isn't trying to frame you, Bartrand is." And she intuits that Michelle's banging Bill. Then she chats with Bill outside the police station and catches him in a lie about his car phone. Bartrand calls Michelle while sitting in his car holding a broken lightbulb. Michelle tells him she's grounded and can't hang out. Then he rigs Kate's house to explode when she turns on the light--involving that lightbulb and her gas stove. Thankfully Willy, her do, saves her life! He got out while Bill was messing with her house, so she doesn't get hit by the explosion.

Michelle goes to see her BFF and finally realizes something might not be right. (Her mom left town without telling her, nice.) Michelle's boyfriend shows up to pick up BFF for the dance. Then Michelle heads over to Bill's house to find evidence? Seriously, let the police handle this. She searches Bill's computer, but he comes up behind her and helps her find the "cheater's file." Then he confesses to killing Sally, and pulls Michelle's panties off and uses them to tie her up. Then he laments about how's he going to find a replacement sitter for the kids. He shoves her into the dumbwaiter. He then selects just the right knife and starts talking to himself like the psycho he is and compares Michelle to Amy Fisher. He starts jacking up the house to make it look like a struggle, while Michelle tries to escape. He calls Frank, who's on his way with backup. HOW WILL THIS THING END?

Bill finds Michelle, where else? In Sally's closet. She hits him with a hanger and runs. She's locked in! Then she hides again but a creepy doll gives her away. You know those porcelain things that look like killer clowns and say Ma-Ma like robots? Hey, remember how Michelle's a swimmer? She dives off the freakin roof of the house and plays dead. Bill grabs her by her curls, and they start kicking the shit out of each other. The knife's falls to the bottom of the pool as annoying drum beats sound. Seriously, why is it taking Frank so long to get there. And Michelle's dead. Or is she. . . Frank and the gang finally arrive and Michelle sinks to the bottom of the pool. But then, Fatal Attraction style, Michelle rises up and sinks a knife in Bill's back. Frank asks Bill if he wants to tell him a story. I love your stories. Phylicia/Kate helps Michelle out of the pool. But wait, Michelle's not done. She rips off the diamond necklace and it lands perfectly next to the bloody knife. The movie ends with Bill yelling FRANK! FRANK! Sorry Bill, Frank don't love you any more.
  ¶ 6:01 PM