Wife, Mother, Murderer: The Marie Hilley Story

Ah, Judith Light how I love you--you wear so many hats from Angela Bower, to the DA on L&O SVU to this gorgeous wife/mother of big hair, big dresses, over the top southern accents, and of course. . .MURDER! I love a movie title that tells you exactly what it's about: Wife, Mother, Murderer. You can watch the whole thing on YouTube. If you're so inclined you can check out the real story on TruTv.com.

The first few scenes set up how miserable Marie (Judith Light) is--the movie, based on a true story, is based in Alabama. Her husband, who seems a few shades 'tard, is sick and having trouble eating. Marie convinces him to eat some mushy mac-n-cheese so she can finish the job. Soon enough he's shouting nonsense on the front lawn like a rabid animal. They call an ambulance and we cut to Marie doin herself up for the funeral. You know, the usual, applying make up, slipping into some ugly flats, rubbing powder into her chest seductively. . . Later, she complains about being poor and how she deserves to live in the hills (where the rich people live) and how she was jealous of her daughter and husband's close relationship. She also thinks her daughter is a tomboy and needs to get a boyfriend.

Since dad died, the family's getting harassing phone calls and notes and stuff. Tomboy daughter comes home on her scooter and Marie begs her not to go to her room--of course that means she runs right in, and it looks like someone burned her bed? Marie dramatically swoons (is there any other way) and says "they're trying to kill me!" Cop #1 says woodenly: Who's they?

Then the cops look in Marie's overstuffed closet and wonder where she got the money for these I love the 80s outfits.



Next scene Marie's talking a bunch of southern nonsense. Oh gross! She's screwing her new boss--and old guy in a powder blue suit. After that disturbing post coital scene, we see the daughter in bed covered in smoke. The house is on fire, but she manages to rescue grandma. Hmmm, I wonder who started the fire! Now Marie's talking to creepy guy about her husband's life insurance--apparently she blew thru it quickly, and now she's waiting for some fire insurance. They're in a new house now, and they've unloaded grandma on aunt something or other. The daughter talks about being trapped in their small town and Marie flips out on her--you think you're better than me! Then they go to a field and burn up their car. No really that's the next scene. Then daughter says she's going to the prom so they buy a new car and do driving lessons in a cemetery.

Carol, the daughter, is trying on fugly, frumpy prom dresses, and Marie says she hopes the girl gets some boobs someday and makes her try on some "sexier" dresses. They end up buying the original one. Random money guy randomly sees them getting into their car and judges them for buying it. And now he's closed their accounts and everything's overdrawn. She begs for an extra month--then he asks about the prom dress. Is he gonna be dead next? Who can she kill now? She pulls out some insurance papers and creepily stands over her daughter's bed. And it's prom night! Marie makes her eat some soup before heading out to the prom and her dorky date shows up. Not shockingly she gets violently ill at the prom and sent to the hospital. Marie shows up and flirts with the doctor. It seems Marie used untraceable poison--Marie gets snippy and takes Carol home. She then fixes Carol as nice poison-filled sandwich--just as she likes it!--and Carol dives right in . Sure enough she starts convulsing and puking. Marie claims that the hospital gave her meds and makes the girl's BFF hold her down while she gives her a shot. She only gets sicker--this girl will not die! Finally she's back at the hospital. And oh shit! All their new furniture is getting repoed. Carol's home and she's going blind.

Ward--the money guy and some other guy are blabbing about Marie's bad finances and how she keeps passing bad checks and buying cars and stuff. Back at hospital, Marie's sticking a needle in Carol's arm. She gets pissed at the doctor's cuz they asked if Carol ever tried to commit suicide or ate lead pencils or something. Meanwhile, the cops are figuring things out--her money situation are out of control, lots of weird stuff going on, AND the only bill she's paying is her daughter's life insurance. The cops show up at the hospital and arrest Marie, and then a doctor looks at her fingernails and declares her FULL OF ARSENIC. Despite all this, Carol won't testify. Marie is indicted for bad checks, murder, and attempt to poison (I think she was successful with that one). Somehow she gets bailed out and stowed in a hotel in Birmingham. Seriously, they didn't think this bitch was a flight risk? They find a fake note in the room that makes it look like she was kidnapped. Yeah right, the cop says. Then they run to check on Carol--she's safe and sound with Aunt Freeda.

Marie (now "Robbi") is in Fort Lauderdale lookin for a job and a sugar daddy. No, she actually says that to her interviewer who doesn't bat an eyelash. She takes Marie out to a creepy looking place where rich guys hang out. She finds a scruffy looking guy who supposedly has lots of coin. She flirts with him and makes a big show of crying and claims that he reminds her of her husband who, along with her two kids, was killed in an automobile accident. She seduces him successfuly--he's dead next! They start dating and she tells him she wants snow. He proposes and they move to New Hampshire. Now she's redecorating and spending money and decides to get a job. They have 2 friends over and she makes some awkward small talk about being barefoot and pregnant. Now she's at her friend's workplace filling out forms. When the friend hands her a W-4 form she freaks out a bit. Now she's painting a picture on a saw. She was doing that earlier with her daughter but I thought I was seeing things. But no, it seems she likes to paint saws. Now's she having the sexicles with scruffy husband.

She got the job and sits around bragging about all the money she has from her ex-husband. Red haired friend hates her and makes fun of her behind her back. Then she tells her that something's wrong with her social security number. Now Robbi's wearing an enormous shirt and claims to have gotten fat. Then she tells another friendv(who's more gullible than red) that she has an incurable blood disease. She tells her husband she has to go to Texas for a special treatment and that she wants to go alone. She hugs him with crazy eyes. Off she goes in a tiny plane. Scruffy husband kinda looks like Meathead from All in the Family.

Robbi calls her husband posing as her twin sister Terry who's been taking care of her and tells him Robbi is dead and that she wants to visit. Now this is where the movie moves from over-the-top into surreal and yet it's a true story! Twin Terry shows up with blonde hair and she's all dolled up like Dolly Parton and dumb husband totally falls for it. Maggie--the sarcastic redhead isn't fallin for it and calls the husband stupid. Another friend says she saw a show once on twins and you couldn't tell them apart. She really needed to see a show to know that? Now Terry/Robbi/Marie is putting the moves on scruffy husband. He actually says "it's like Robbie came back to life in you." And they kiss. Seriously, he really fell for this shit? Now he's all smiley and gay. Terry wants to ask a naughty question--she asks if she's as good as Robbie in the sack. He says she's different from anyone he's ever been with. Then she tickles his foot and he giggles.

Maggie's all outraged that she's staying in town so she starts fact-checking Robbi's obit. She calls to Robbi to get her other nonexistent sisters address so she can send a sympathy card. Maggie finds out that everything is made up and calls the police. In a most anticlimactic moment, Marie/Robbi/Terry confesses who she is and that she's on the run from the law for writing bad checks. She's wearing an amazing peach top with rhinestone flowers. Now scruffy husband is confronting her and she's playing the victim that everyone seems to fall for. And he's cool with everything. Super!

And, time for the trial. Carol's testifying! The lawyer asks her lots of leading questions for exposition's sake. Now it's time for closing statements--the defense attorney claims the daughter was suicidal and that mom wouldn't have taken her to the hospital and taken out a larger life insurance policy. Riiiight. Ha, the ADA calls her a murderess. Woo! She's get life plus 20 in the lady prison and the courtroom applauds. Daughter comes to visit--apparently the lady prisoners wear nightgowns all day. Marie's worried about her hair, Carol asks her why she did it? Marie inexplicably says "I couldn't call you; you must know why." Um, I think she was asking about the poisoning thing??? Three years later, she's asking for a three-day furlough. Wait, they grant those for lifers? What the hell? Wow. They're actually letting her out. And there's her idiot husband. Wow again. They hug and get a motel room. Her hair's long and stringy now. Uh oh, rich husband's not so rich anymore! He got laid off and now he has to bring her back to prison on a motorcycle. Random! She says she's hungry and hubby runs out to get some food. He is unbelievably dumb. Marie gives a creepy look to the sound of thunder. She's on the phone when dumbass returns with food. She claims that someone wants to visit her parent's graves with her and she runs away in the rain. Now why didn't she just leave while he was gone? Idiot husband sits in the motel room like an asshat. Finally he wises up and calls the police. Again, after all she's done, the prison didn't think she was a flight risk?

Dumb husband's still acting stupid. The cops talk to Carol who doesn't seem to have aged at all. Now some old woman sees Marie scratching at her door. And she's dead. Apparently she made her way through the woods and back to the shack she was born in. The actual cause of her death and where the hell she was for 3 days was never determined. Dumbass husband lived in that ratty motel until he was murdered in 1989 in a "bizarre robbery attempt." Carol lives on.
Read more!   ¶ 11:28 AM 0 Comments

  No One Would Tell

First Winnie Cooper got knocked up and now Kevin Arnold is terrorizing DJ Tanner? It's the perfect Lifetime movie storm.

We begin on a darkened road near a lake. Up drives Bobby (Fred Savage) in his pickup with Stacy (Candace Cameron) and Vince in tow. Stacy is confused as to why they're at the lake, but Bobby convinces her to talk a walk so they can "talk." It becomes clear they once dated, she ended it but Bobby doesn't want to give her up. They argue, Stacey screams, and Bobby returns to Vince and his pick-up truck sans Stacy. What could possibly have happened?

Flash to five months earlier. Stacy and friends are at a high school wrestling match, where star wrestler Bobby is just taking the mat. Stacy denies liking Bobby or wrestling at all. Immediately dating this movie, her friend responds, "Then why are we here? We're missing Ricki Lake!" That same friend informs Stacy that Bobby had a girlfriend but she "moved away" so she's free to go in for the kill. After Bobby wins the match, everyone stands to cheer, her two friends scream "NICE BODY!" at Bobby but then immediately sit down, making it look like Stacy was one who yelled at him. Smooth, ladies.















Back at Stacy's house, she and friend Nicki prepare to go to the local pizzeria to try and stalk Bobby. Stacy considers not going after her mother's asshole boyfriend stands her up, but Nicki and mom convince her to get her and her early 90s outfit out of the damn house.
















Sure enough, Bobby and the wrestlers are there...

Ater an awkward exchange about whether or not girls like getting flowers, Bobby gives Stacy a carnation off his table and asks her out.
















Well, he actually asks her spot him during his workout after wrestling practice on Monday, but you know, details ...

Her stellar spotting skills earn her an invite to the lake with Bobby's friend. Conveniently, Bobby's friend has a thing for Stacy's friend Nicki so it's all one big happy family. Even though Bobby spends a good chunk of time canoodling fireside with the class whore Carla, he eventually pulls Stacy aside, they have a heart to heart about not having father figures and then make out. Aww.

It soon becomes clear that homeboy had some issues, however, when he gets pissed off when Stacy's friends join them during study hall the following week. "You said we'd be alone," he hisses, before pushing her up against some book shelves. Charming.
















Later, he grills Stacy about a photograph of a male friend she has in her locker.















The good times keep coming. At the lake that weekend, Stacy's friends tease her about a poem Bobby had written her. Even though Stacy refuses to read the poem to the girls, Bobby snatches it away and storms off. Stacy tries to catch up to him, but he pushes her down on the rocks. Nice. How does he make it all better? Saying "I love you" of course! It works and they're making out in no time.

They head to Stacy's house, but not before stopping by Bobby's for some clothes. He won't let her come inside, however, and can be heard berating his mother when she asks him a favor. At Stacy's house, he basically tells her not to hang out with her friends when he's not there. "I want you all to myself." Healthy!

Being possessive apparently = getting laid. While shopping for clothes with Nicki the next day, Stacy spills the beans that she gave Bobby her v-card. She has bruises on her back that she blames on the vigorous "activity" with Bobby, but being slammed into bookshelves and rocks probably didn't help either.















At practice the next day, Bobby's teammates tell him how "fine" his girlfriend is looking in a short skirt that day.














Bobby finds her, screams at her for looking like a slut and demands that she put on sweatpants. She does, but he slams her against a wall when she tries to catch up with him later and apologize. "Great, you happy now?" he asks as she lies crumpled on the floor. The wrestling coach sees this, but does nothing after Stacy says everything is fine. "From now on, you save that spirit for the team," coach tells Bobby. Atta boy!

Mom is concerned that Stacy is spending too much time with Bobby, but she's having none of that. The next day, when Stacy opts out of setting up for the homecoming dance because "Bobby thinks it's stupid" her friends gossip about her and Bobby's own cousin tells everyone that his ex-girlfriend transferred to get away from him.

Nicki finds Stacy outside to tell her about the ex, but Stacy brushes it off and tells her that Bobby makes her feel special.

On her way home, Stacy sees Bobby's truck and goes over to say hi but finds his mother inside. Stacy says hello, which enrages Bobby when he returns. He hits her, almost runs her over and drives off.
















Once at home he pumps iron like a Real Man.

At home, Stacy screams at her mom for putting up with her boyfriend's shitty behavior. Pot, meet kettle.

After mom leaves, Stacy showers and finds Bobby in her bedroom when she comes out of the bathroom.
















Ree!Ree!Ree! He tells her his dad was an alcoholic and that his mom has been hitting the bottle lately too, so please feel sorry for him? Naturally, she does.

At their 50s-themed school dance, everything's going swell until Bobby sees Stacy talking to some guy. He rips her out of the dance and toward his truck.















Nicki and bf tries to stop them, but Stacy bitches her out for being all up in her business. "You don't know what he's been through!"

After Bobby drops her off, Stacy can hear her mom fighting with her boyfriend through the door, so she decides to go to Nicki's instead. Nicki convinces her that Bobby is a piece of shit, and we see a camera angle that suggests Bobby is watching them thru the window. Later, Stacy's mom calls to say that she broke up with her boyfriend. Will Stacy do the same?

Nicki says Stacy needs to get her mind off things so they go to a bowling party. But when Stacy talks too much about Bobby, her supportive friend tells her to get lost.


















Carla - that whore from the beach - is on a pay phone with Bobby asking is she can come over. He asks her to put Stacy on the phone instead. Apparently not thinking it weird that Carla was on the phone with Bobby, Stacy accepts the call and agrees to let Bobby pick her up from the bowling alley. Carla pops up as Stacy is getting into the truck with Bobby and Vince and asks if she can follow them and hang out too.

Back at Bobby's, Vince and Carla are looking bored on the couch while Bobby and Stacy fight in the bedroom. Stacy storms out into the backyard and Bobby orders Vince to go calm her down. Bobby tells Carla that if anyone asks, it was just the two of them there tonite. Ok? Carla agrees and Bobby kisses her. Be still my beating heart.

Carla peaces out and Bobby tells Stacy he'll drive her home, but he heads to the lake instead ...

The next morning, Stacy's mom calls Nicki and asks her where Stacy is. She says Bobby called her, said they'd argued and then she stormed out. Nicki has no idea, so she, Bobby and mom drive around looking for Stacy. No dice. Stacy's mom goes to Bobby's house later to pump him for info, but he's got nothing ... until Mom spots Stacy's purse under his bed. Whoops. She threatens him and leaves the house.

At school, Stacy's friends are fanned out in an oddly staged arrangement on the bleachers talking about their probably dead friend and slamming Bobby.
















Carla stands up for him, natch. That's what whores do.
















Vince is apparently having some issues with the whole thing, though, and calls 911 to tell the cops to "look out by the lake." They come up empty handed, but trace the call back to Vince and grill him at the station.

The pressure gets to Vince, he turns Bobby in and we flashback to that night ... Bobby takes Stacy away from the car, they argue, he stabs her. Bobby returns to the truck with blood on his hands, grabs tape, rope and plastic from the car (he just had that on hand?), ties her up, weights her down and dumps the body, according to Vince.

The story pans out and the cops find Stacy's body. At the trial, Sally Jesse Raphael is the judge!















There's a montage of teary friends testifying about how Bobby is a piece of shit and he gets life without parole. Sally Jesse gives an impassioned speech about domestic violence and having shitty friends who watch but do nothing as a somber looking Kevin Arnold is taken away.

Not exactly like the love between DJ Tanner and Steve ...




- Callie Cain

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  True Confessions of a Hollywood Starlet


Listen up, Hollywood starlets. Flashing your goods for the paparazzi and stumbling out of the latest club with the celebrity offspring of the moment is officially over. How do I know? Because that type of behavior has become a Lifetime movie starring Valerie Bertinelli and one of your marginally successful pop counterparts.

Actress Morgan Carter (JoJo) has been a bad girl. She and her platinum blonde tresses have been hanging out of the sunroofs of limos, slapping photographs while totally coked out, and generally keeping the kids at TMZ and Access Hollywood in business. Her behavior lands her in a plushy rehab facility, but there's no 12 steps for recovering bitches, so Morgan's Dina Lohan-esque mother and manager Sam ship her off to live with Mom's friend Trudy in Fort Wayne, Indiana until she gets her act together.

"A public school? Are you lit?" Morgan demands.

Unfortunately for Morgan, she has to stay sober to endure non-Louis Vuitton baggage, flying coach, and sheets with no threat counts. Recently divorced Aunt Trudy is happy to see Morgan (tres incognito with brown hair) but Morgan - who will now be referred to as Claudia - has a snippy comment for everything.

For some reason, multi-millionaire Morgan did not bring any of her fancy threads to Indiana, so she and Trudy must hit up the local mall with $500 provided by Morgan's mom to buy some "school clothes" for Morgan, er Claudia.

Morgan/Claudia is miffed when no one recognizes her at the local mall, and further horrified when she must a) eat carbs at the Burger Barn and b) shop at Discount Delights or some crap. She purchases jeans with sewn on flowers and a matching vest (!), combines it with a pink turtleneck (what?) and makes her way to high school. This is Indiana, not 1973, WTF was with that outfit?

Naturally people are less than friendly to her...

There's a very 'Mean Girls' moment in the cafeteria orchestrated by a girl who I find hard to believe would not recognize one of the more notorious Hollywood party girls. Naturally, there is a Cute Boy in her film class.

Later, Morgan/Claudia is irked to learn that her friend/LA partner in crime Marissa (Degrassi's Darcy, upcoming '90210' remake) has landed a major movie deal, and bummed by a Perez Hilton blog post questioning whether or not she is still alive. Can the paps really not find this girl? I mean, they camped out in Georgia for Bennifer and Louisiana for Britney. Let's get real.

Anywho, suspending disbelief for a little longer, Trudy makes M/C take the trash out, where she runs into Cute Boy (aka Eli) -- he's her neighbor! -- climbing off a motorcyle. Hot! She makes some comment about a reality TV show, to which he replies, "I don't watch reality TV; I read." Oh God, self-righteous much?

M/C returns home, where Trudy opens up about having been left by her husband for their dog trainer. Members of her womens' divorce support group (...) arrive and are watching "Extra" when there is a dramatic and slow-mo feature detailing M/C's pre-rehab overdose. Again, the support group women don't seem to notice any resemblance, or pick up on the fact that the segment has prompted M/C to flee from the room in tears.

Aunt Trudy to the rescue. She shows M/C pics of Morgan's mom back in the day; Morgan refers to her father as "the sperm donor" and everyone has a good laugh.

Not for long. Trudy and M/C are in a Best Buy-esque store later when M/C sees the DVD cover of one of her latest movies, and basically has a meltdown when it's not to her liking. Things go from bad to worse when M/C gets a D on a film paper (but scores some tutoring seshes from cute but self-righteous Eli) and gets clobbered with a volleyball by Mean Girls whore. Trudy and M/C drown their sorrows with some baking, and Eli's sister stops by to invite M/C to a sleepover at her house that weekend.

Unfortunately, M/C gets in a fight at the sleepover with some blonde chick who has a thing for Eli. Too bad he likes alcoholic whores, blondie! M/C storms away and calls her mom. A man answers the phone and identifies himself as her mom's husband. Whoopsies, it's her manager Sam. They got hitched and didn't bother to tell M/C. Despite the fact that she's living with a 17-year-old recovering alchie, Trudy stills has plenty of vodka in the cabinet, and M/C drowns her sorrows with a few screwdrivers.

As a result, M/C is feeling like death the next AM when a) Aunt Trudy finds her and rips her a new one and b) Eli shows up with the sleeping bag she'd left at his house after bolting the night before. M/C is about to spill the beans on the whole "I'm famous" thing when she decides against it and instead steals from the plot of a Lifetime movie she'd starred in (how meta) and tells Eli she's on the run from an abusive father. Riiight.

Despite being a well-read pompous ass, Eli falls for it, promises to protect her from her psycho "dad" and then asks her out on a date. Score!

Stealing liquor and getting tanked at Aunt Trudy's house is apparently grounds for a reward and M/C's starlet pal Marissa shows up in Indiana with her big sunglasses, a disdain for carbs, and an atrocious Texas accent she's honing for her next role. Marissa convinces M/C to skip out for a night on the town in Chicago, where Marissa gets trashed and dances on the bar, but M/C sees the error in her ways and remains sober.

She cabs it home (211 miles?) to an irked Aunt Trudy, who tells her to shape up or ship out. Not to worry, M/C has better things to think about -- like having fried soda at the county fair and a dancefloor kiss with Eli. Oooh. Aunt Trudy subsequently has her own walk of shame and the two share a few giggles over what big sluts they are.

Insert a montage of Good Times with Eli and evil looks from Blondie.

I think you all know what's going to happen now. Some photographer snapped a pic of M/C holding Marissa's drink at the Chicago club, blondie recognizes her and tells M/C to leave Eli alone or she's going to blow the whole operation. Blondie's no fool and demands $50K from a tabloid, and soon the paparazzi's finest have descended upon Fort Wayne.

Paps are camped on Trudy's lawn, Extra has the minute-by-minute updates, Eli feels betrayed (and self righteous).

Morgan's (no more Claudia, thank you very much) mom and manager/stepdad show up and tell her that she got the role in the upcoming Steven Soderbergh film. Is it bad that I felt excited at this point and really wanted her to ditch Trudy and hightail it to LA ASAP? Alas, the dumb whore has learned some lessons and actually wants to finish high school. Dumbass - it's more of the same; leave the hicks and go get your Oscar on!

To throw off the paps, Morgan deploys a decoy who boards a plane with mom and manager back to LA. Morgan then throws rocks at Eli's window to get his attention, even though I don't recall her having been banned from their house. Eli comes outside, Morgan gives an impassioned "you're the only people who stood up for me even when no one paid you" speech, but incredibly well-read Eli can't tell if she's acting or being genuine and storms off.

No bother. Morgan decides to stick it out in Fort Wayne - even tho the paps have returned - and wouldn't you know it, as Morgan is about to be crushed by a throng of reporters outside of school, who rides up on his motorcyle to save the day? Eli!! She gets on his motorcycle and they drive off into ... er, the parking lot adjacent to the paparazzi. But you know, romantic or whatever.

- Callie Cain
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  The Babysitter's Seduction


The Babysitter's Seduction is all about Michelle Winston. That's right, me! It starts out with Michelle (Keri Russell) inside a mansion talking to her friend about boys. Then her boyfriend, who looks like an ad for "I Love the 90s" sneaks in and scares the shit out of her. They swim in the pool, she plays dead, then they hang out in the closet. Turns out she's babysitting for a rich family and she's poor! Mr Bartrand, Stephen Collins, looking uber creepy, drives her home. She mentions the only way she'll get to go to college is on an athletic scholarship. Why? Because she's POOR. But she's also a swimmer, which comes in handy later on.

Felicity's, er, Keri Russell's hair is crazy long in this movie. Mr Bartrand goes golfing with his body and they bitch about their wives for a spell. Then it's back to babysitting--Mrs. B models a hot dress, and Mr. B shows her his gift--a car--which she totally hates. Then they all go out for a family dinner, even though Mrs. B wanted a romantic dinner. Michelle takes the kids to another pool and tennis lessons and all kinds of rich kid stuff. Michelle returns home to find. . . Mrs. Bartrand is DEAD. After some poor acting, she calls the police.

Det. Kate Jacobs, Phylicia Rashad, arrives to save the day. Also the police chief who is Mr. B's golf partner. Mr. B arrives home and makes a good show of being upset. Phylicia questions Michelle, who talks about how perfect the Bartrands are. But wait! Turns out Mrs. B was on antidepressants. AND she had a lover. Oh shit!!!

And now it's time for Michelle and Mr. B's first date!



They meet at the country club. He tells her to call him Bill. And then manipulates her into coming back to babysit. And now they're back at his house looking at old pictures. Michelle wishes there was something she could do to help. I bet Bill will think of something. . . And hello creepy, he tells Michelle she can use his wife's new car! Michelle's mom is totally creeped out. Her boyfriend accuses her of being a slut. OMG it has a carphone! 90's boytoy is totally a jerk about it.

Phylicia Rashad, who has a needy dog named Willy--that'll be important later--tells her partner that Sally Bertrand's labwork is on his desk. Then she walks away--he asks if it all checks out, and she says no, that Sally Bertrand didn't kill herself. She had no gun powder residue on her hands. Why was she so casual about it then? Her partner tells Bill about it, and plants the seed that maybe the babysitter did it. Phylicia Rashad goes to see Sally's lover, who lives on a boat, who tells her that Bartrand was a total asshole. She's convinced HE did it--but she left YOU, didn't she Mr. Richards. . .

Mr Richards tries to track down the PI that followed him and Sally. The agency offers to "modem" it over to his computer. Really? What the hell does that mean??? Phylicia aka Kate Jacobs finds Michelle at school and tells her that Sally was MURDERED. Michelle starts falling for Mr. B, but then he brings home a date! And she went to the trouble of putting on her best pair of overalls and making dinner! And now she's back in Sally's closet checking out her sexy dresses. She tries one one and some jewelry and Bartrand walks in on her and it turns out he's totally hot for her. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. They totally make out. But then Bartrand totally sells her out and tells his cop friend that Michelle's psycho.

Sally's lover tries to hack into Bartrand's work computer, but he's unsuccessful. Michelle's now interviewing housekeepers for Bill. Her mom's creeped out but does nothing to stop her. Bill likes Michelle's skirt. Yum. Sally's lover shows up for an interview. Phylicia aka Kate is feeling neglected, and waits for Bartrand at work. He refers to Michelle as hired help. Sally's lover shows up for the housekeeping position so he can hack Bill's home computer. Bill and Phylicia chat about Sally. Phylicia accuses him of murder and he asks her to leave. Meanwhile Michelle's interviewing candidates and letting them call her Mrs. Bartrand. She walks in on Paul Richards (Sally's lovah) hacking the computer. He confesses and tells her Mr. B killed Sally. She doesn't believe him of course and tells Mr. B. He pretends to call the police and makes a big show of it. Then he uses the whole situation to seduce Michelle and convince her to stay over. Then he sees that Paul was successful in getting the PI files. Of course, he didn't go to the police, and Mr. B shows up and puts a gun in his face. He whispers to Paul about how hot the sex with Sally was after he caught her cheating. He makes Paul delete the files, but then they start fighting in a totally Lifetime way. You know, where they roll around on the floor, and crash into things and everything happens really slowly and it's almost like they're having sex. Then the gun goes off and Paul is dead. Mr. B dumps his body in the water.

Then he returns home to have some sexytime with Michelle. He gives her some of his dead wife's jewelry. "This afternoon I realized just how much I love you." He slowly unbuttons her shirt, cuz there's nothing like having sex with a teenager after killing someone. The next morning he watches as Kate chases her dog Willy down the beach. Michelle shows her BFF the jewelry Bill gave her and tries to pretend like she's not boning him. BFF tells her she's creepy. They argue in the bathroom, which is inexplicably covered in kid's painted handprints.

Frank the cop stops by the country club to chat with Michelle. Tracy totally sold her out and told him that she's in love with Bill. Frank tries to scare her into confessing. Michelle's mom asks her about the jewelry she's wearing and insists on returning it. Is he gonna kill her next? This is their first time meeting, nice. After all this, she's never met the guy that Michelle babysits for? And whose wife was just killed? Gross! Bill and Michelle are spooning. Naked! He tells her he wants to clean out his wife's closet. Next morning she tries on Sally's ugly sweater and gets rid of her clothes. Frank happens to drive by as she's loading up the car and says: "I like your sweater, Michelle. I liked it on Sally too." Bill says he wants to whisk Michelle away for weekend. Alone. SO HE CAN KILL HER! But then he tells Frank that she cleaned out Sally's closet without asking. Frank tells him, she's cute as a button, but she's not playing with a full deck.

Phylicia/Kate tells her that Frank thinks she killed Sally. Michelle's all whaaa?? Then Kate tells her "Frank isn't trying to frame you, Bartrand is." And she intuits that Michelle's banging Bill. Then she chats with Bill outside the police station and catches him in a lie about his car phone. Bartrand calls Michelle while sitting in his car holding a broken lightbulb. Michelle tells him she's grounded and can't hang out. Then he rigs Kate's house to explode when she turns on the light--involving that lightbulb and her gas stove. Thankfully Willy, her do, saves her life! He got out while Bill was messing with her house, so she doesn't get hit by the explosion.

Michelle goes to see her BFF and finally realizes something might not be right. (Her mom left town without telling her, nice.) Michelle's boyfriend shows up to pick up BFF for the dance. Then Michelle heads over to Bill's house to find evidence? Seriously, let the police handle this. She searches Bill's computer, but he comes up behind her and helps her find the "cheater's file." Then he confesses to killing Sally, and pulls Michelle's panties off and uses them to tie her up. Then he laments about how's he going to find a replacement sitter for the kids. He shoves her into the dumbwaiter. He then selects just the right knife and starts talking to himself like the psycho he is and compares Michelle to Amy Fisher. He starts jacking up the house to make it look like a struggle, while Michelle tries to escape. He calls Frank, who's on his way with backup. HOW WILL THIS THING END?

Bill finds Michelle, where else? In Sally's closet. She hits him with a hanger and runs. She's locked in! Then she hides again but a creepy doll gives her away. You know those porcelain things that look like killer clowns and say Ma-Ma like robots? Hey, remember how Michelle's a swimmer? She dives off the freakin roof of the house and plays dead. Bill grabs her by her curls, and they start kicking the shit out of each other. The knife's falls to the bottom of the pool as annoying drum beats sound. Seriously, why is it taking Frank so long to get there. And Michelle's dead. Or is she. . . Frank and the gang finally arrive and Michelle sinks to the bottom of the pool. But then, Fatal Attraction style, Michelle rises up and sinks a knife in Bill's back. Frank asks Bill if he wants to tell him a story. I love your stories. Phylicia/Kate helps Michelle out of the pool. But wait, Michelle's not done. She rips off the diamond necklace and it lands perfectly next to the bloody knife. The movie ends with Bill yelling FRANK! FRANK! Sorry Bill, Frank don't love you any more.

Read more!   ¶ 6:01 PM 5 Comments

  The Perfect Bride Here's the setup: creepy bride, oblivious groom, overprotective sister, and horrific acting! The Perfect Bride starts with a bang--creepy bride (Stephanie) tries on a super fugly wedding gown while her intended leers at her with his porn stache. She sits next to him on the bed and confronts him about seeing his old girlfriend using a hideously bad British accent. I'm thinking it's a dream sequence especially because there's a redonkulously creepy music box--but they're saving that for later. Anyway, bride gets pissed and stabs her boyfriend with a needle. He immediately dies and she washes her hair with a sinister smile.

Then she's got new blonde hair and she's at a stilted wedding shower with a buncha old ladies as well as her new fiance's creepily overprotective sister (Laura played by Kelly Preston--Mrs. John Travolta!). I know she's supposed to be the one who senses the creepiness first, but she's a little ahead of herself.

And she evens missed this bit: Stephanie has a creepy flashback involving that creepy music box, where's she's a little girl with a terrible British accent (so that's supposed to be REAL? Why make her British if she sucks so bad at accents?) Anyway, it turns out Allison Mack (Chloe on Smallville) plays the young version of Stephanie. And wow, the adult Stephanie is played by someone named Sammi Davis. I swear. And get this: she's from ENGLAND. ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME? I guess it's like someone from California trying to do a New York accent or something. Egads. OMG It gets better. She was nominated for a GOLDEN GLOBE. Smelling salts please?

OMG--Stephanie CRIMPED her hair--It's so 1991, I don't even need to look it up.


Bride, groom and sis go to a gym to play tennis and the floozy at the front desk totally flirts with groom. She's SO dying in the first act. Bride calls her slut and goes on a rampage while trying on her wedding dress.

Backstory: Sis and bro had another sister--Katherine who died and it was kinda sis's fault. Awkward! Oh, and dad has Alzheimer's.

How's this for contrived? The caterer just moved to wherever they are from San Diego and was hired to cater creepy bride's last wedding! She's all "you look familiar, do I know you?" And Steph is TOTALLY FREAKING OUT. She leaves the room, but overhears caterer telling mom-in-law and Laura that the groom died the night before the wedding of some heart condition. Stephanie almost LOSES HER MIND. The bodies are gonna start piling up soon. Right? Please???

The acting is so bad that if feels like they just filmed the table reading. And the music is pure vintage Lifetime crap that tells you exactly what to feel. Scary violins! Laura starts snooping and groom (his name is Ted) gets pissed. Blah blah blah.

Oooh, crazy nurse Stephanie is gonna kill the caterer. That won't be suspicious at all! Wow, the old layd puts up quite a fight! She's wearing the most amazing old lady sweat suit--they're like totally strangling each other and reaching for the same knife. Here's comes the money shot the music is getting really sinister. . . And she pushes the old lady down the stairs in a totally slo-mo I've fallen and I can't get up manner. Then she leans in for the kill and steals the old lady's necklace. Nice.

Full moon. Ooooh. Family's eating dinner, murderer's late. All in a day's work! She went to place called Final Cut to get her hair cut--or pretended she did. Laura totally busts her though since she knows all the hairdressers there. To get out of it, she says she was shopping all day for a surprise--mmmm, I bet's it's the necklace! Perfect. Sidenote: unsurprisingly Steph and Ted have no chemistry.

Laura's looking at old newspapers in a microfiche machine and finds the story about groom #1's death.

Steph and Ted meet with the reverend for a counseling session and he asks them to share something new with each other. Steph has another flashback to her younger self finding something scary. She flips out and yells at Ted, but then they make up somehow. The priest asks to see Ted separately, but Steph overhears. I think he's next!

Meanwhile, Laura's trying to track down groom #1's family. . . She tries to talk to her mom, but NO ONE WILL LISTEN TO HER.

Steph tracks down the reverend and he confesses he's not sure they're right for each other. Uh oh, here comes the needle. No one's gonna get suspicious that all the people she meets are dying, right? Ha! The rev falls to the ground in the most comical way possible. Laura stops by and finds the body while Steph hides in the closet smiling. At home, the family plays Monopoly, and Laura announces that the Rev is DEAD! Steph tries not to laugh. For reals. She's wearing a gawdy floral blouse that's tacky even for 1991.

Laura finally tracks down groom #1's father and he mentions the name Darlene something or other. But not before Steph barges in--oh wait, it's just alzheimer's grandpa. I guess dad is that other gray-haired guy. Anyway, Laura calls Darlene and finds out she was once engaged to the dead guy. Oops--dipsy grandpa just totally screwed Laura over and told Steph she was talking to Darlene. Steph listens in on the line. Laura asks Darlene to fly over and identify Steph so they can totally bust her. That should totally work out fine.

Steph sees Ted off to his bachelor party in skin tight, high waisted mustard colored pants. Darlene waits at the airport, but guess who shows up? Ahahahahahah! Steph shows up with a wig, glasses, and a not half bad American accent. They almost get into an accident and Steph shouts BLOODY HELL in cockeyed cockney. Darlene gets out of the car and his hit by a car--the news says she's unconscious. I hope she gets a good nurse!

Meanwhile, at the Bachelor party, the guys are at some club with women dancing on mats in one-piece bathing suits. Bill Cosby sweaters and mullets abound. Laura barges in with evidence about two dead grooms who were engaged to nurses. Ted throws sis Katherine's death in her face and tells her to go home.

Hospital--Darlene's on life support and nurse Steph arrives with a needle just in time to finish her off. Oh wait, that's a nurse who looks just like her to fake us out! After some annoying sinister music and weird lighting effects, the real Steph cuts off her breathing and Darlene's opens her eyes and fights back. Of course, no one walks in or anything even when the machines start bleeping. And the violins are so loud!

Back at the bachelor party, Ted and the guys are barefoot for some reason, and out comes a stripper straight out of mardi gras hell. She gives Ted a big kiss then takes off her mask. It's the floozy from the gym. SHE IS SO DEAD! Ok, I guess there's wresting involved at this strip joint? But not mud wrestling. Ted and floozy wrestle just in time for Steph to arrive and freak out EVEN THOUGH SHE JUST KILLED SOMEONE DEAD WITHOUT EVEN BLINKING.

And this movie's not even close to over yet. Maybe Steph will kill the whole cast AND herself. One can hope. I guess we have to find out what the deal with Allison Mack is. Steph goes into her bedroom to find senile gramps creepily waiting there. Turns out he just doesn't know where he is. She kills him. Nah, maybe she doesn't.

Laura has a nightmare and finds Steph lurking around. Steph's all pissed about the bachelor party, but he's still alive. Then he totally lies and tells her there were no chicks there. Heads are gonna roll! Laura goes to the airport to check on Darlene but the computer's are conveniently down. Then she sees a newspaper headline about Darlene and runs! And now she's missing the rehearsal. Her family really hates her now. And they're totally not suspicious or weirded out that Stephanie has no family and no friends. At all. There's an awful lot of people at the rehearsal dinner tho. Laura's at the morgue identifying Darlene's body. Laura finds a photo album in her coat with a picture of Stephanie aka Susan with the dead fiance. Meanwhile Steph gets prepped to kill groom #3! Laura calls the catering hall, but of course doddering grandpa comes to the phone and is totally useless. Ted heads home to get some Steph tail.

Best line of the movie "Listen you dumb sonofabitch, Stephanie is murdering people!

Ok, half hour to go, Steph's got her godawful wedding gown on and the music box is playing. Music boxes of course will always be associated with Flowers inthe Attic that lovely incest movie. Allison Mack goes into the bathroom to find her mother in the bathroom in her wedding dress. She's bleeding but it's not clear from where or what. She tells Steph never to let a man hurt her--well that explains everything!

Of course, Laura gets stalled by a contrivance and races against time to save her brother. Prolly cuz she wants to bone him. Save the for the sequel! And now, back at the house, Steph is re-enacting the first scene of the movie. Laura arrives just in time. I NEVER saw this coming! Confrontation. Laura loses her shit, and Steph offers a mild sedative. Nice touch. In the struggle the music box breaks. Oh shit. Steph turns her rage on Ted cuz he crashed into it. Now it's time for her to go crazy--she calls him the wrong name and grabs a knife and stabs him. Spaghetti sauces seeps thru his shirt. The chicks go at it, and Steph gets away. Laura goes from room to room and takes the time to shut off the lights as she goes. Way to go green! Way to not like, call 911. Shit, Steph's back and I actually jumped. She tries to kick Laura up the stairs. Now we're in the attic. Now it's time for Steph's monologue on how men have fucked up her life. Laura nails her in the head witha baseball bat and Steph falls down the stairs and lands face up with her eyes open looking, I admit, absolutely terrifying. Demented music plays, and the credits roll.

Side note, there's an infomercial on right after for something call magicJack that PC Magazine apparently gave an Editors' Choice. Holla!

Read more!   ¶ 1:00 AM 1 Comments

  Murder of Innocence


"Cradle of Conspiracy" was a tad luckluster, but trust Valerie Bertinelli to put Winnie Cooper to shame and bring on the crazy in "Murder of Innocence."

The movie opens on a stately home surrounded helicopters, cops with shotguns, and SWAT - aka, bad news. We flash to Laurie (Valerie) who is curled up in the fetal position on a child's frilly bed inside the house having childhood flashbacks about anxiety on the playground.

Some hot guy shows up and back we go a couple of years to when he - Matthew - first spotted Laurie. She was a waitress in a restaurant and was giving some guy attitude for complaining about his steak. Matthew is charmed by her tantrum and asks her out. Soon they're frolicking at a family picnic with Matthew's family. His sister asks Laurie what she wants to drink, but she can't make up her mind (warning! warning!).

No bother. These two still get hitched. Laurie can barely handle saying "thank you" to her wedding guests and later has a breakdown when the moving guys ask her where she wants her couch. "I didn't want to do it wrong," she sobs to Matthew.

Laurie spends her newlywed days touching the molding on windows, tapping on crystal with her fingernails, and having flashbacks of her stern mother. She is late to babysit for her neice and nephew, makes up some story about being in an accident, which pisses off her sister-in-law.

Then Laurie has a great idea ...

Let's vacuum in the middle of the night. Also a super idea? Putting a stuffed horse, some books, paper towels, knives, and makeup in the fridge! Maybe after that we could take some lipstick and write words like pain, suffer, and 777 all over the bedroom wall.

Matthew's appears slightly disturbed by the makeup drawings on his wall, but apparently not concerned enough to actually look for Laurie. Instead he starts to hang up the clothes she has strewn around the room, and that's when Laurie jumps out of the closet at him with a knife.

Laurie keeps the crazy under wraps for long enough to ace a job interview and land an admin job. She fucks it up by intentionally spilling Coke all over her computer, but fails to tell Matthew about that little mishap.

Matthew confronts Laurie's parents and asks WTF is wrong with their daughter. Mom is dithery and non-committal; said Laurie had some surgery in 7th grade to correct her big ears but has "been fine ever since." Uh huh, seems that way. Matthew's sister, meanwhile, basically tells him to get the hell out of dodge and dump her crazy ass.

Instead Matthew decides to visit Laurie at work, where her boss tells him that she quit after 2 days and owes the company money for the computer damage. He confronts her at home and she tries to seduce him.

"I can't believe you're thinking about sex with all of this going on," he screams.
"It's the only thing I still know how to do," Laurie says.

Matthew leaves the room to get some air, but finds that all the kitchen cabinets and drawers have been left open. He calls Laurie's parents to tell her he's leaving her, but her dad basically laughs it off and treats it like a marital spat. Nonetheless, Laurie packs up and stays with the 'rents for a few days - basically twirling her hair into knots on furniture covered by plastic.

Laurie goes to Matthews and successfully seduces him this time. She does well the next day when Matthew goes to work (you know, except crank calling his sister ...); she even did laundry! Too bad she folded it and put it in Matthew's drawers soaking wet. She starts drawing 777s in lipstick on her wall again and it's back to mom and dad's she goes, where the crank calls continue.

At this point, I wondered when the whole "murder" part of "murder of innocence" would come into play, but just as I'm thinking that, Laurie heads to Matthew's house with an ice pick and stabs him in the chest. It doesn't quite do the trick because he survives, but at least we're getting somewhere.

One problem -- the cop assigned to the case doesn't believe Matthew, even after Matthew finds the package the ice pick came in in Laurie's bedroom.

Avoiding attempted murder charges is apparently not enough excitement in one day for Laurie, so she calls Matthew and taunts his perfect life. "I'll bet this is the worst thing that's ever happened to you," she says. Uh, getting stabbed in the chest with an ice pick in the middle of the night by my wife? Yeah, that's up there.

Laurie has a few hallucinations about Matthew trying to rape her in broad daylight, so she buys a gun. "Have you ever been treated for a mental illness?" the gun store owner asks. She denies it; guns for everyone!

Laurie gets her own apartment at Northwestern University, but it's not clear if she was actually admitted to the school or just used that as an excuse for her super. Whatever, it doesn't look like she has much time for studying -- she's too busy walking in circles, washing her hands with scalding hot water, writing a hate list, making pay phone crank calls, pushing all the buttons on the elevator like a jerk, and watching static on the TV. Three cheers for academia!

That's apparently not crazy enough because her routine also includes - wait for it - storing copious amounts of raw meat in her fridge.
















She also plays with it, rubs it all over the walls and falls asleep in a pile of garbage. Seriously. Gross. I guess this is why most apartments ask for a security deposit.


















Matthew gets wind of her gun permit and takes it to useless cop. He's slightly more concerned, but the chief couldn't give a shit and the case goes nowhere. Meanwhile, a shrink finds that Laurie is not a danger to herself or anyone around her. Awesome!

Laurie is now staring at a slide -- an item that figures prominently in many of her childhood flashbacks. OMG, children! Ew! Laurie is so pissed off that some rugrats interuppted her obsessing that she places an ad for an "experienced babysitter" and someone falls for it. Even though Laurie wears gloves while taking care of her children, the mom seems to like her -- until she fires her because her niece is coming to live with them.

Wrong movie, mom. Laurie spends the rest of the night sorting bullets on her bed and poisoning juice boxes and rice krispie treats with iodine. Her house must be awesome at Halloween.















After a very Tylenol killer meets Martha Stewart evening, Laurie calls up babysitting mom and asks to take the kids on one more outing before the niece arrives and takes over her duties. The next morning, she calmly drops off the poisoned juice boxes on the doorsteps of people listed on her hate list (sister-in-law, shrink, etc) and then picks up babysitter mom's two kids. She hands them the poison rice krispie treats, but iodine and marshmallow is apparently not a tasty combo and they spit it out.

Laurie drops by her niece and nephew's school, pulls a gun from the trunk, goes inside and says there's been an accident with their mom. The principal says he has to call the kids' father before she can take them. She asks where the bathroom is and tries to make a run for it, but is distracted by a classroom with a number 7 on the door. Oh shit ...

Laurie wanders into the classroom and the teacher assumes that this dissheveled woman in gardening gloves and sweats is there from the university to observe, and asks her to sit down.
















Unfortunately, the kids in the class are giving her flashbacks again, and she pulls out a gun. OK seriously, if she doesn't go to jail this time, WTF? The flashbacks continue, and it seems that little Laurie has had thoughts about killing kids since she was just a tot. Charming.

Um, whoops. Turns out that she actually pulled the trigger during one of those flashbacks and there are now some dead kids on the floor. Seriously.
















She makes a run for and succeeds this time, running into a nearby home. A kid who looks like Wil Wheaton (but is actually the kid who played Andy in Child's Play 3) and his mother are in the kitchen. Wil Wheaton boy (WWB) tries to play negotiator and convinces Laurie to let his mom go. He asks Laurie if there's someone she wants to call. She opts to call her mom, but mom doesn't give a shit. WWB takes the phone and tries to get mom to come over there, but she's not having any of that. Laurie disconnects the phone and gives WWB crazy eyes.

OMG, don't kill him. He has such perfect 90's hair!
















Damn. "I want to help you" is apparently the wrong thing to say to a psycho with a gun because Laurie blows him away. BITCH! $10 says he survives, though.

Laurie's mom finally got her shit together and came to the house, but she tells the cops outside that she thinks it's better if Laurie doesn't come out of this alive. Super.

Dad tries to talk Laurie out of the house on a megaphone while SWAT infiltrates. Too late; Laurie turned the gun on herself in the bedroom of WWB's sister - but not before drawing a few more weird lipstick faces on the mirror. That room is going to have some fucked up karma.

Told you -- WWB surives, but one of the kids at the school died, according to updates flashed on the screen. They also passed some law in Illinois that made it illegal for someone as crazy as Laurie to get a gun, but didn't the gun store owner ask her if she was nuts and she said no? Who am I to overanalyze a Lifetime movie, though? As far as entertaining and fucked up thrill rides go, this one certainly delivered. Bravo Valerie!

-Callie Cain
Read more!   ¶ 12:29 AM 0 Comments

  Fifteen and Pregnant


Ah, this is gonna be a good one. We open with fumbling teenagers and horrid music. They have the sex. Boy (Ray) dumps her soon after. Girl (Tina Spangler played by Kirsten Dunst) borrows her mom's frumpy mom jeans. (cuz she's gonna be a MOM) Oops she's pregnant!

She tells her mom (Park Overall yay!) and runs out of the room. Camera pulls back to reveal redonkulously fake rain coming down. Backstory: Mom and Dad are separated, BFF has a two-year old, family is uber christian and against abortion and birth control. Also, everyone's dressed like it's the late 80s early 90s, but this movie came out in 1998.

Tina's worried she has to quit soccer. BFF's baby is annoying. They keep playing this godawful song "Love me, please me! Feel me, touch me!" (Not anything like the Who's Tommy) Tina takes out her crucifix and says sorry to god. More background: Tina has younger sis and bro who are total assholes.

Ray, the boyfriend randomly shows up at the door on Christmas day. Whatever happens next?

Mom sends him packing. Mom and Dad (David Andrews) fight about what to do with the baby. Surprise, Ray is cool with the pregnancy. He's wildly unrealistic about it of course. And there's that horrid song again. I gotta find out what that is. In the meantime, the principal tells dad Tina's got to go to a special school for pregnant kids. Just like in Too Young to Be a Dad!) Do these schools really exist? Also, the title is 15 and preggers, yet the dad seems to think she's still in junior high. hmm. Then the coach comes into the principal's office and says--by the way, your daughter just fell on the field.

Her parents take her to a really low budget clinic and they're all ashamed and stuff--too ashamed to take them to their "real" doctor. Looks like they might have to dip into Tina's college fund to pay for the medical bills! Ha! Pregnant teenager school is in a trailer! Nice. Mom takes Tina and Ray to pregnancy class. Some girls asks about pooping during labor. Tina's dream is to be a good wife and mother. Grand! Tina doesn't want maternity clothes, she just wants overalls. Park overalls? ooh, she's having a boy! Ray picks up some redhead at school. Might be Tina's friend, but I didn't get a look at her face. A teen mother comes to the class to tell them how much their lives are gonna suck. Baby daddy split, she's exhausted and miserable.

Tina's has a screaming match on the phone. Acting's so bad, I don't really know what's going on. But Tina's sad so I guess she's ALL ALONE. Grandma comes to visit--she's ghetto and brings a days worth of food on the bus. Tina's gettin' fat. BFF's mom is throwing her a baby shower. Park Overall vacuums and does the laundry. In like, real time. Shit, this is starting to look like that other prego teen movie. Wow, Tina's not gaining enough weight. Ray wants to be invited to the shower cuz his family's hooking them up with gifts.

Finally some action. Tina sees Ray making out with the slutty redhead at the mall. Ray acts like a jerk and Tina bites back. Grandma's really nosy and interfering in the parent's marriage. Dan shoves her back on the bus, picnic basket and all. Grandma tells dad to TRY HARDER. Awkward! No one shows up to the shower. Tina cries in bed with these hideous plaid pajamas, then says being pregnant gives her something to look forward to. Then she kinda blames her mom for everything. Phew, this movies going a lot faster than Too Young to be a Dad. Lil sis, who apparently moved in with dad, is back now. And dad wants to come back too. Hot!

The family's going out to dinner, I think a different actor is playing lil bro now. Egads, it's mother's day, and they're like celebrating. Tina's worried that her baby will be ugly. BFF yells at her for being shallow. Lil sis Rachel has middle child sydrome and hates her family. Tells them they're prolly going to hell and wants to move in with grandma. But then she breaks her leg--foiled again. Tina's classmate had a premie. Aw. Can't make fun of that. I hate to say it, but this movie isn't half bad. Park Overall is golden. And lil sit jumps on the bus to grandma's as soon as her leg heals. Seriously when is Tina due? Dad moves back in.

And it's graduation day at teenage pregnancy school. Side note: Turns out BFF, who looks about 30, is only in high school. Dad randomly asks his daughter to dance and gives her a corsage. She tells him not to be weird. I guess she's missing some jr high prom? They slow dance to a creepy song. Now Dad is massaging his wife's feet. Omg, Tina just pulled up her shirt to reveal her paper mache tummy. Wow, Kirsten Dunst won an award for this! Best Performance by a Young Actress in a Miniseries/Made-for-TV Movie.

10 minutes to go, time to give birth! Usual screaming and yelling and sweating we've seen a million times. Ray walks in with his floozy. Dad tells him his sperm doesn't automatically grant him access to the birthing room. Nice! Kirsten's screaming like a mofo--she really sealed the deal with that YoungStar award. And here's . . . Caleb! Grandma and sis arrive. The sister's tell e/o they look thinner. Tinkling piano music and slo-mo and voiceover. The end. oh wait--for more information please call the sexual assault line. I think Lifetime got its movies mixed up!

Read more!   ¶ 10:28 PM 0 Comments

  Cradle of Conspiracy










Winnie Cooper is knocked up!

I'm sure many of you fondly recall NBC's "Moment of Truth" movies. Every Monday night, before there was reality TV, we got two hours of glorious, melodramatic trash. "Cradle of Conspiracy" was one of those cinematic gems; I vividly recall my all-girls high school gym class wasting an entire class period talking (with the gym teacher) about this movie.

Danica McKellar/Winnie stars as Kristin Guthrie, a high school track star who gets caught up with The Wrong Guy. Kenny has a black '57 Chevy convertible, hair reminiscent of 90210's Steve Sanders, and acid washed jeans only a small-town girl with overbearing parents could love.

"With you I can do anything!" a doe-eyed Kristin tells Kenny as they slow dance at the local country-western bar. He smiles, Kristin melts, but we know there's evil lurking behind those pearly whites.

Mooning over Kenny doesn't help Kristin's running and she loses a big race, much to Mommy's dismay. She assumes it's Kenny's fault and wisely bans her daughter from seeing him. Cut to Kristin and Kenny in a post-coital cuddlefest in the trailer he rents across the street from the gas station. Classy stuff.

"I've never felt like this before," Kristin says, apparently referring to emotions and the not the rash she'll probably get from Kenny's bedsheets. "It kind of scares me."

"Guys get scared too sometimes, you know," Kenny responds. "I haven't let anyone get this close to me in a long time."

A more seasoned woman bedding down a trailer park mechanic might roll her eyes and tell Kenny to get her a light, but Kristin is overcome with emotion and tells Kenny she loves him.

But does he love her?

Love apparently translates into ditching track practice and your friends for some quality time in the '57 Chevy. Before you can say "very special episode" Kristin is puking in the girls room toilet and confessing (in some hideous patchwork sweatshirt no less) to her friend Janine that she's preggers.

"My parents were furious when I quit the track team. I don't even want to think about how they're going to react to this!" Kristin wails after she tells Kenny.

Shocker - Kenny is supportive and very much against an abortion. He tells her they're in this together, embraces her, and smirks as the camera goes in for a sinister closeup. What could this darling baby daddy have up his sleeve?

Kristin tries to tell her mom about the baby on her 17th birthday, but when mom gets upset at the thought of talking about why Kristin quit the track team, Kristin decides to hold off on bringing up the fact that she's knocked up. Her parents give her an expensive ring that has been passed down for generations. Kristin almost blows it when she breaks down after mom tells her she's "still our perfect kid" but she pulls out an Oscar-worthy performance and tells the 'rents she's blubbering because the ring is so beautiful. Bravo.

Naturally the best course of action is to completely disappear without a trace and head with Kenny to Louisiana so they can give the kid up for adoption. Kristin packs her favorite stuffed animal and disappears into the night with prince charming. At the train station, we hear Kenny on the phone telling a mysterious figure that you're "going to like this one." He joins Kristin on a bench, where Kristin whines about wanting to be able to add a new stone to her ring for her firstborn. Kenny basically tells her to forget it, and then asks her how much the ring would be worth. Kristin looks momentarily stunned, but Kenny is saved by the announcement for their train.

Meanwhile, Kristin's parents have noticed that their only child is gone. They call the cops, who couldn't give a shit. "She'll probably turn up with a wedding band on her finger," a graying cop tells Mr. Guthrie.

Kenny and Kristin arrive in Louisiana at a Melrose Place-esque complex with a ton of pregnant ladies hanging around the pool. A stern looking matron with a horrible Southern accent gives Kenny $100 for food and shows them to their depressing apartment. Kenny leaves to scrounge up some grub, and a pregnant chick named Donna (Jamie Luner of Savannah and Melrose Place fame) wanders into their apartment. Within minutes, she tells Kristin that she's on baby number three, baby number one was the result of being raped by daddy and that stern Southern woman and her people basically pay her to keep having kids. The she lights up a cigarette.

Back at home, Kristin's parents track down Kenny's trailer. The gas station owner tells them to they might want to talk to the Bishop family. Turns out Kenny knocked up their daughter too and recently tried to steal the kid.

Back to Kenny, who is visiting a Southern mafia type in his marble palace. "You done good," he tells Kenny. Unfortunately, he refuses to give the young lad an advance for all his hard work since he failed to get the Bishop girl's baby. Southern mafia guy apparently wanted to sell it on the black market and now he's out a couple grand. Whoopsies.

Kristin's father screams at the cops for doing nothing and he and wifey get in some boring fight about expectations, fiber-enhanced Metamucil, and making a better life for your child.

Kristin is bored in Louisiana, but Kenny has no cash and no more '57 Chevy for jailbait joyrides. He suggests she pawn her ring, but when she refuses he storms out ostensibly in search of a job. Kristin licks her wounds down by the pool where Donna introduces her to a little orphan Annie-esque woman named Pammy who is pregnant with twins that she has named Ricky and Lucy.

Despite the fact that Kenny stormed out because he had no money, he returns with groceries and order Kristin to cook him some dinner. When she responds by saying she wants to call her parents, Kenny musters all he leanred in Emotionally Abusive Boyfriend 101 and wonders allowed, "What if they hang up on you? Can you handle that?" You know what's coming next right? He suggests that she instead write them a letter, which he volunteers to mail himself. What a champ.

Back at home, K's mom pressures her friend Janine for info. Janine spills the beans, tells her mom that Kristin found an ad in the paper for adoptive parents and took off. K's parents pour thru the paper and find the ad, which actually connects them to stern Southern woman. WTF? First of all, why do they even need to place an ad in the paper if Kenny is doing all the dirty work? And even if you put an ad in the paper to make it seem more plausible to the unsuspecting girls, why put the correct phone number so you can be traced?!

Moment of Truth fuckery aside, K's parents go to the courthouse. The lawyer lady tells them to call Kristin, but not mention anything about the Bishop girl. Dad fucks that up and insults Kenny the second he gets the chance, prompting a distraught Kristin to hang up. Lawyer lady eventually secures arrest warrants for Kenny and Kristin. It's a race against time, though, because even though Kristin is 17, she's technically not a minor anymore if she lives in LA for more than a month. Some hillbilly cops who are apparently aligned with Southern mafia guy try to stall Kristin and Kenny's arrest, but their take-no-prisoners seargant tells them to straighten up and bring 'em in.

Kenny tries to escape, but the cops bring the two of them in. "I will break your trashy neck!" K's dad bellows at a pissed-off Kenny.

Oh also, it's implied that stern Southern woman killed Pammy because she wanted to keep her kids instead of giving them up for adoption. That's neither here nor there.

Kristin still loves Kenny, but mom takes her to see Sarah Bishop and an ugly looking child Sarah insists looks exactly like Kenny. Kristin goes into labor, but doesn't want the kid, despite mom's protests. They bring it home, but guess who is watching them from across the street? Master Kenneth.

Kristin's not really bonding with the new baby, but mom loves the shit out of it. Why? Turns out she had a kid of her own at 16 and had to give it up for adoption and wanted to let Kristin know that she had options and didn't have to do the same. Uh, I think Kristin said she didn't want the kid. Was that not one of the options?

Mom leaves Kristin home with the baby one day and who shows up? Yeah, Kenny. He asks to hold the kid, pushes Kristin down, and runs out of the house. She apparently has the reflexes of a 90-year-old woman because it takes her a good 10 seconds to recover from a mild shove. Kenny comically tosses the kid into a carboard box in his frontseat and peels off. In a very anti-climactic set of events, Kenny is pulled over and taken to jail. Kristin visits him and asks him to sign over his parental rights, which he refuses to do -- until she offers him the family ring as collateral. Oh, for a ring? No problem. He rubs it and smirks as a dejected Kristin leaves the jail.

Why didn't she just shove him after he signed the paper and steal the ring back? I think at this point we know that homeslice is not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree. That kid is going to need some serious therapy, but that will probably be discussed in the sequel. Training Wheels of Tyranny? Big Boy Bed of Debauchary? Wait for it.

Oh, and I thought Kenny looked familiar, and turns out he was on an episode of "Sex and the City" -- he played Ned, the guy Charlotte met at a cemetary mourning at his wife's grave, but who was really just using the poor widower routine to pick up chicks. Some things never change.

-Callie Cain
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  Too Young to Be a Dad














"Better than a dentist, not as good as Christmas" That describes the Lifetime Network. Oh, and in this movie, a girl's first time! Super.

"Too Young to Be a Dad" sets it all up from the start. Opening scene: the good kid, the smart, well-behaved son is being inducted into the National Honor Roll society (wow, did the Honor Society not grant fair use?) as a. . . freshman. Wow! He's totally gonna fuck up soon. Back at home, his parents are looking out the window at slutty older daughter steaming up her boyfriend's car windows. As they complain what a useless slut she is, they comfort themselves by knowing they have at least one good kid. Not for long, fools!

The son, played by Paul Dano of Little Miss Sunshine fame (the kid who didn't speak for most of the film), has a girl has a best friend (Blair) AND a love interest (Francesca). Oooh, love triangle. BFF walks in on the boy, Matt, kissing the love interest (who just described her first time as better than a dentist. . .) and storms out. Uh-oh tension. The new couple cuts class and heads to the girl's house. [[Creepy side note: an earlier throwaway scene showed love interest girl trying on a dress, looking in the mirror and asking "am I pretty enough for your party, Daddy?"]] I didn't know this was that kind of movie.

Anyway, Daddy's little girl had sex once and wants it again. Bad. So they do it and it's way awkward. Son comes home and snaps at mom. Shit! Next day, boy tells girl--I'm just not ready. Lil late for that. Then he gives her the friend line and says "nothing's different."

EXCEPT YOU GOT HER PREGNANT CUZ EVERYONE ON TV GETS PREGGERS THE FIRST TIME.

Francesca get dressed for a party, but her parents don't like her outfit. There's no indication of time passing, but she's already actin like she thinks she's pregnant. Meanwhile, big sis gets a nose ring and bad grades. Francesca's not getting her period anymore. Awkward. Boy steals prego test for her. That's love. Of course they're right next to the condoms. Subtext much? Ew, they got the kind where you dip a strip into a cup of pee. Mom interrupts to see if they want a snack--yeah mom, get me some pickles and ice cream, m'kay? Francesca's parents are worried about her--she's getting fat and unmotivated. She must be smoking pot! She's throwing up, creepy Dad senses she's pregnant.

Meanwhile, Dano's Mom (played by Kathy Baker, she's been in everything from Touched by an Angel to Gilmore Girls) find all sorts of contraband in big sis's room. Then she gets a WAY awkward call from Francesca's creepy dad. Now both her kids totally suck! IT ONLY TAKES ONE TIME! Oooh BFF is being a total bitch and blaming Francesca for everything. Oh wait, she's jealous, and feels left behind cuz she's still a virgin. Dano describes the sex as: it happened so fast. Dano's dad (Bruce Davison--he's been on the L-Word!) says: Oh man, I didn't need this and I'm too busy. I'm the dad archetype who shuts down when bad stuff happens. Mom and Matt go to an awkward family meeting with F's parents. They decide to split the medical bills since it's too late for an abortion and put the thing up for adoption. I guess the movie's over then, right? Oh wait, we're only at the 41 minute mark. Crap this movie's boring.

Dad comes home, mom is passive aggressive, dad says he hopes they aborted the baby. Dano walks up and apologizes for ruining their chances at having one perfect child. Mom complains to her co-worker about how kids suck no matter what you do. Then she drives over a bridge. Really? The school principal calls to say that teenage parents have to be transferred to special schools. He's out of the academic program! Oh no! His LIFE IS RUINED. Dano walks down the hall with two people we've never seen before. Francesca cleans out her locker; she's heading for alternative school. Reminds me of Degrassi Jr. High when Spike gets kicked out for getting knocked up.

Mom decides to fix her other child--making her apply for college and stuff. If not, she has to pay rent. She's mad cuz slut brother gets a free ride. I HATE YOU. Francesca plays chess with her dad. Dano stops by and dad cockblocks him. Dano looks all sad and shit. Now sis is mad cuz the family's all poor and stuff cuz they're paying medical bills. Seriously Francesca's father is a doctor and they have crap medical insurance? Are you kidding me?

Matt wants to go to the special school with Francesca even though it will RUIN HIS LIFE. Mom hates both her kids. Dano gets on the short bus with a whole bunch of pregant girlz. What do they teach at the alternative school? How to take care of babies of course! Matt's really good at it--I think he might want to keep the baby. Oh sorry, spoiler alert! What a twist that would be! Uh oh. Dano's boss doesn't care about child labor laws!! Oh good, it's time for a montage. Dano works hard to pay his parents back for the bills. Gets really good at his job! Some terrible song about pride plays. He even sells his prized video games to some random dude on the street. How enterprising. The he gets gay and looks at baby stuff. He buys a stuffed cardinal. Montage ends and Dano makes a honey and chocolate sandwich. Srsly.

Oh wow, Dad's saying nice things about bad seed sister. She's all independent and smart and stuff. (And prolly uses condoms too.) Dano comes home with a doll and scares his sister with it. Prolly homework from the shortbus school. Mom encourages this behavior. Now she's suddenly proud of him. "You're not just an honor student, you're an honorable young man." Tears!

Wow Francesca's prego belly looks WAY fake. They're sitting with the lawyer finding out how their kid is getting new parents. Dano reluctantly signs and then storms out of the room. Ew--the shithole restaurant he works at sells seafood.

This movies sucks. Not in a Lifetime so bad it's good or so cheesy it's hilarious, it's flat out boring. It's clear the kid doesn't want to give up the baby and he's going to end up raising the thing. Oh here's something new. Parents talk dirty in bed but don't have sex. Dad goes into daughter's room instead. No, not for that. To tell daughter to stop smoking.

Phew. 30 mins to go including commercials. I'M SO BORED.

Mom's looking at baby pics of her kids, shows them to Dano to rub it in. He's upset but very deadpan about it. End scene. Baby's due next week! End in sight. Mom proposes raising the baby themselves. Dad disagrees. We'll see about that. Commercial break: turns out I'm watching Lifetime's Fallen Angels week. Great.

We're back at the beach with Dano and his BFF. Wow, I totally forgot about her. Scene's over. Mom and daughter talk, she insincerely says she's proud of her. Daughter's allowed to blow off college. Mom and son go in for a cuddle. Mom rubs it in some more about Matt's crappy sitch. And Francesca's going into labor. 15 minutes and counting. Dano's at the hospital with the stuffed bird. Baby gets bornded; we don't see it. Dano makes a run for the prenatal unit. No one stops him. It's a goil! Nurse brings the baby out for him to hold without even checking who they are. He knows how to hold the baby cuz he practiced on dolls. Pompous dad interrupts; acts sinister. Maybe he'll murder them and make this movie really pop. Seriously, they could have chopped out a full hour and no one would have noticed. Daughter gets home from work, insists they go to the hospital. Stat! Mom tells pompous dad off. Matt bounces the baby. Sis has her hair back in a braid--she's reformed! I think the family's gonna cave and keep the baby. Dad says: it's for life, son. Dano names the baby Genevieve and then throws a diaper at his sister. Seriously why is everyone so fucking calm?

Dano signs back into the baby's life whilst looking wildly disinterested. His parents are totally on board! Sis and BFF set up baby's room. Everyone gathers round the baby cuz they're a happy family. Seriously is this over yet??? Mom turns off some lights, watches son play with baby while's he on the computer. Terrible music plays as the camera pans out the window. And it's over. kthnksbai.
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  Danielle Steel's 'Daddy'



Oliver Watson has the ideal life - three kids, a dog, great job, gorgeous house in the Chicago suburbs, and a loving wife. Oh wait, about that last part.

It's date night, but Sarah Watson has something on her mind. "Have you ever been sorry we got married, Oliver? Me, the bohemian protestor?"

Perhaps Oliver should've stayed away from this chick's flower because it turns out she totally resents Oliver for knocking her up and making her throw away her dreams for a life of carpools and diapers, so she's going to leave the family for two years to earn a writing degree at the University of Michigan.

"Sarah, why can't you just go to the University of Chicago?"















"That would fuck up the plot of this melodramatic soap opera, silly!"















Sarah's not quite so whimsical when the couple arrives home and Oliver begs her not to leave. "WHEN DO I GET MINE?!" she demands.
















Not just yet. Sarah wants her kids to have a happy Christmas before she crushes them ...

Oliver tries to woo her with a fancy leather backpack and a massive emerald ring, but that just elicits a cold, hard stare from Sarah.


















Meanwhile, the candles are barely blown out from Christmas dinner before Sarah drops her bombshell. The kids, who include a young Ben Affleck as Ben, Rilo Kiley's Jenny Lewis as Melissa and Matthew Lawrence as Sam, are predictably peeved. She makes Matthew Lawrence whimper, for God's sake.

















Later, Oliver tries to wow Sarah with his sexual dynamism. She's unimpressed and goes to sleep on the couch. When Oliver tries to stop her, she moves to slap him, but he catches her hand mid-strike. This is apparently more what she had in mind because before you can say "sexual dysfunctional" these two are going at it one.last.time.
















Alas, Oliver's midwestern bedroom stylings aren't enough to keep Sarah from leaving, and so she packs up the Volvo and heads to Ann Arbor. "I guess forever just isnt as long as it used to go," a wistful Oliver says in a voiceover as little Sam screams for his mother.

Ben's licking his wounds by hanging around with the school tramp, Bobbi. We know she's a tramp because she lives in an apartment and her mom works nights at a diner. Whore! That's apparently a-ok with Ben, who happily takes off his varsity letter jacket for a little quality time between the sheets.

















Sarah has promised to come home on weekends, but it appears that she's not really up for that. The kids act out by staying out late and Oliver has to lay down the law and give a nice little "not under my roof" type of speech to an angry Ben. "Since when are we a family, anyway?" Ben sputters. "Since the day you were born and until the day I die," Oliver responds, with a totally straight face.
















Sarah and her mom jeans finally agree to see her children after Oliver's Alzheimer's mother gets hit by a bus.

"Oh Oliver, I didn't think you'd come with them!"


















Sarah suggests that Oliver look for a hotel, bristles when he tells her he still loves her, and returns the emerald ring. Burn!

Oliver: You're my wife, and a mother.
Sarah: And a woman.
Oliver: And not a whore!

You know where there are a lot of whores, though? Los Angeles, and that's where Oliver's office ends up transferring him. It doesn't look like Ben's going with them, though, because he went and knocked up Bobbi. Whoopsies.

"She's a dropout; she comes from a broken home," Oliver says when trying to convince Ben that Bobbi is a loser. The fact that his own son is also from a broken home is apparently completely lost on Oliver. Daddy offers to pay for an abortion and suggests sending Bobbi "to a home" to have the kid when Ben refuses. No such luck. Ben wants to "do the right thing," ditch Princeton and play house with Bobbi. He doesn't want to be like Oliver, damnit! "You think i'm blind? That you forced mom to be a wife to man she never even loved?" Ben screams - again, the fact that he's doing the same to Bobbi also completely lost on Ben.

Oliver has had just about enough of Ben's shenanigans and lets his son know with a nice slap to the face.


















This father-son bonding moment is interuppted by a call from Oliver's father - they want to take his Alzheimer's bus crash mom off life support.

Grandma dies, and little Sam has a nice ugly cry at the funeral.

Always tactful, Sarah shows up and tells Oliver that a) she wants a divorce and b) there's someone else. "I may be stupid but I'm not a fool," Oliver responds.

















Melissa and Sam are cool with LA, so Oliver packs up the family and heads to the city of angels -- but not before Bobbi gives birth to Alex and Oliver's dad announces that he's going to marry his friend Maggie. Drama!

Oliver spends Thanksgiving with the kids in LA and Melissa apparently learned about tact from her mom because she encourages Oliver to come with them to Ann Arbor for Christmas because "Mom just broke up with her boyfriend and she's feeling kind of a down." Oliver resists throwing his mashed potatoes at her, and politely declines.

Instead, he spends Christmas with Wonder Woman, aka Charlotte Sampson. Oliver's company is putting together the ad campaign for some designer imposter-esque perfume being hawked by TV star Charlotte, and Oliver is charmed by her big hair and cherry earrings (subtle).

















After a romantic dinner, Charlotte invites Oliver over for Christmas, where he gives her a bracelet. Charlotte didn't get anything for Oliver, so the next day (separate beds, of course. It's Jesus' birthday, for Christ's sake) she packages up her grandfather's pocket watch and pawns it off on Oliver. He's actually thrilled -- and even more thrilled when part 2 of the gift involves Charlotte getting naked.
















Sexy times are interuppted by a frantic call from Ben. Bobbi has taken the kid! Oliver hands over a little hush money to whore and her mom and Ben and Alex come out to LA.

It's award seasons time and Charlotte stuffs the girls into a little red number

















But it's worth it! Oliver totally proposes!

"Oh yes Oliver, I'll have you, because with you I realized for the first time, I am truly in love!"
"And Charlotte, for the last time, I've fallen in love."

Aw, isn't that sickening?

Goddamn stupid Ben and his retarded infant ruin everything AGAIN though. Oliver barely has time to cop a feel with his new fiancee before Ben knocks on the door and says that Bobbi has taken baby Alex to Hawaii and wants money. Oliver offers to pay her off, but Ben decides to man up and fight for full custody. There's some sappy scene in an office with a no-nonsense judge ...
















... where Ben regurgitates his dad's lines ("I've been Alex's dad since the day he was born and I'll be his father until the day I die," he says as Oliver smirks). The judge is charmed and Ben gets Alex.

Yay! Everyone's perfect! Role credits?

Nope. After Ben's victory party, Oliver takes Charlotte home, where she tells him that she's been offered to lead in a Broadway play. Charlotte offers to commute, but Oliver is having none of that. I don't want you to resent me like Sarah resented me, he says. Naturally, the best course of action is to break up, so he storms off while Wonder Woman wails, "Oliver!"

















Leave it to grandpa to set the record straight. He tells Oliver he's being an idiot and gives a "it's better to have loved and lost" speech. An eavesdropping Ben decides to visit Charlotte on set to convince her to give her father another chance. "He's just stubborn; all us Watson men are," he tells her. Conveniently enough, the play Charlotte was going to star in on Broadway was altered in such a way that she didn't feel like it was really for her anymore, so she's staying in California after all. Yay!

















Charlotte shows up at Alex's christening, the duo tell each other they love each other and it's family picture time on the steps of the church as Oliver's voiceover intones, "Of all the jobs I've ever had, it's being a father that has given me the most joy." *Crocodile tears*

















Then they crank call Sarah and give the baby some booze. Ok, that last part didn't happen, but a girl can dream, right?

-Callie Cain
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